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I'll be honest for once.

Posted by anonymous at November 8, 2011
Tags: Attitude  2011 November  Sexuality

I lie. I lie every single day of my life because I have to and I hate it. I won't beat around the bush, I'm just going to say it. I'm a pre-transition transsexual and every day is a living hell.

I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, I feel like a little girl in the body of some horrifying monster, every time I catch a glimpse of my jaw, my arms, my nose or any of that fucking disgusting hair on my arms and face it's like finding some revolting infected boil, I'm my own personal horror film and it never ends. Every day I do my best to be happy and pretend that nothing's wrong but that means tuning out. It means forgetting who I am, what I look like, what other people see but every time I see myself in the mirror, every time I'm called a boy or a young man I remember.

I wear long sleeves and pants all the time so that I see as little of myself as possible. I remember a few months ago when I saw myself in a towel. I just stopped, sat down, put my arms around my knees and cried. It was physically painful, like being stabbed in the gut.

I'm anorexic, I don't eat so that I don't gain muscle and I don't get taller but I do anyways. Every day I'm a bit more masculine, every day 'm a bit taller. Every day I'm a bit more of a freak.

Apparently I'm attractive, I don't really give a damn. Being called an attractive male is like being given a bar of gold in the middle of a desert, I appreciate the sentiment but it's useless. Worse than that, it's ironically insulting.

I've accepted that I'm transexual, I plan on starting hormone replacement therapy once I leave home but then what? What do I tell my family? Does this mean I have to never see any of my friends again? Why do I even have to hide in the first place, why would anyone care?

But people do care. They'll look at you like a freak. More than that, they'll call you a freak to your face, if you're lucky. The less lucky ones get murdered, beaten, raped, tortured or violated in some other dehumanizing and terrible way. The even less lucky ones, such as Tyra Hunter, are refused medical aid and die.

Things aren't going to get much better for me, once I do transition the quality of the rest of my life will depend on whether or not I'm attractive. How well a Transexual person passes decides whether or not they can get a job (let alone a good one) and the hostility he or she will face from everyone they meet.

I'll be giving up so much, biological children, job security, maybe even my family but I can't stay the way I am. I can't go through the rest of my life wanting to kill myself whenever I look in the mirror. I can't keep pretending that I'm a cisgendered male and I'd rather die than grow into a man of any kind.


New Comment

By anonymous at 18,Dec,11 13:59

you with the passing day will normal i hope but you have to think in your mind to be easy thing to do i wish i can see you face to face to help every single day and my life is worst then you !!!!!

By at 15,Jan,12 23:26

You're very brave.

Try to find other transsexuals online. I'm sure they will be able to help what you're going through. There are probably many forums and places like that.

If your family is the accepting type, you could try slipping transsexuality into a conversation or something to see how they might respond. That might make things easier if you decide to tell them.

Best of luck to you! It won't be easy, but you and others like you are slowly but surely changing society for the better. And, for that, I thank you.

By anonymous at 29,Jan,12 15:42

well, this pretty much sums up my life, except i told my parents and they don't give a crap, they pretend i'm just kidding. it doesn't matter to them as long as i keep bring home 95s on my report card. i've been cutting myself for years now, maybe one day i'll go step in front of a bus or something.
By anonymous at 31,Jan,12 22:32

although i am not struggling with the same issue...i have other issues and im a really does whole leg is cut up..stay strong

By anonymous at 10,Feb,12 15:14

Good to be honest sometimes, this sums up my life as well, i knew from an early age that I was a girl in some disgusting body. If I see one bad angle of myself in a mirror or in a photo I freak out for hours. I've been doing it in small steps ,,, telling friends and family ,,, wearing more of the clothes i want to wear in public ,,, eventuallly i want to get hormones ,,, the hardest part is acceptance of myself and the obsession of how i look, most other people have their own problems they are busy with

By anonymous at 28,Feb,12 14:36

IMO you are being hard on yourself. Both the male and female body are beautiful. And anyone could find you beautiful as well just the way you are, everyone has their own peferences. And in the end, what you look like on the outside does not define your inside.You could change gender like you want to. but why not just live life right now? I think the most important thing you could do is accept yourself the way you are, cuz there is nothing wrong with it. (and for the record i think masculine looking men r hot! dont take it as an insult either, girls and gay guys are genuinly attracted to men.)

By anonymous at 28,Feb,12 15:17

Friend, I can say that everything will be okay for you!! Now is probably a good time to obtain the image you seek as best as possible. Begin with some makeup, shave, and grow your hair out.

Living as a transexual woman is not nearly as bad as what you've been made to believe. Done properly you can easily show who you really are before you're able to alter your body, no one will know the difference. As for your family, they will notice your subtle changes and probably be more used to the idea before Its ever actually spoken of...

My two cents...


By smashing top seo at 23,Oct,13 18:07

odSqyV I really like and appreciate your post. Really Great.

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