LIFE SUCKS

It never ends

Childhood sucked, my mom loved her other children but not me. I was a whimsical sweet child. I was not allowed to love or be loved - with great delight any pet I had was taken away when I felt love for them; they gave me love and affection. I endured beatings with shoe heels, refusing to cry which made the beatings worse. Always being told why couldn't I be someone else. Betrayed by all in my life; worst when my father, who was kind to me, called me a tramp in front of others (I was a virgin), said I was ugly and no respectable man would ever want me.

I was raped twice (I lost my virginity), second time I was nearly killed but did not tell any one because I can't be a victim. Besides it would have been my fault anyway. My parents thought I was rolling in the bushes having sex, my body was completely covered in poison ivy, and told everyone in town I was a whore. I never fit in, my IQ is 154 but my mom never gave me credit; either the score was a mistake or I was not the "real" kind of smart. I read novels starting at age four and also bilingual. School kids tormented me.

After graduation I joined the Air Force and became an automatic flight control system specialist. It was rough I was one of the first women allowed into electronics. But I could handle anything dished out to me and prove I was better than that. Married another Airman that beat me at least once a week if I needed it or not; being pregnant did not make a difference. Our first child he dumped me at the hospital and spent the night with his girlfriend. My second pregnancy I was pressured by him and my mother to abort, I did not. My mom would call and say how she prayed every night that I have a stillborn. I finally left him, I was terrorized and stalked.

I put myself through seven years post- secondary education, Had GI bill four of those years, worked a variety of jobs, and raised my daughters. I was too proud to accept public assistance including medicaid.

I met my future husband which was a seven turbulent relationship plus eleven year marriage. He was successful and I capitulated for I felt it would be a better life for my daughters. We had two additional children. He was a compulsive philanderer, having one affair after another. Sexually abused our two young children, was in love with my oldest daughter, and had an obsession with the gay life style. My lawyer let him stay in the house. He emptied all the accounts I knew of (he had secretive ones as well) changed all the locks on our lovely home and would not allow me to even gather some clothing for the children. Plus we had no funds. His gf moved in. It was a long divorce, he attacked and humiliated me every possible way. I had gone through years of being told I was stupid, unattractive, a bore, getting old and drilled into me that I was lucky to have him for no one else would want me. Oh my mother tried setting him up with other women, she would do this in front of me. She never understood why someone like him would ever want me.

The children and I were homeless several times, he laughed in my face. Only jobs I could find (because I was out of the workforce for so long) were sales and mystery shopping but daycare cost more than I earned.

I moved closer to my family, stayed with mom until I found an affordable rental. I was at the time researching and producing a career prep textbook for secondary students. My nasty sisters put a wedge between my entire family and me; including my older daughters. My second oldest did not invite me to her wedding but did invite her pedophile ex stepfather and his family. I was so badly trashed by my family I could not find a rental, stayed at a motel for a month+ paying full daily rate. The wife of the owner was tight with one of my sisters and made life miserable,, a duplex they had became available but since I spent so much in their motel I could not pay deposit and rent at same time but would be able to cover the difference in less than a month. We ended up in a rodent infested broken down trailer in the country. Only person that would rent to me. My children and I were ignored for six years except for nasty letters and emails. We moved. I had a nervous breakdown and no positive support from anyone. I finally got sick of the bitterness and made amends with family but we are not close.

I worked hard to purchase a cute cape cod for us. Lost my job because I told the lead editor I had trusted, that I suffered from depression kept under control with medication but my work environment was making the depression worse. I asked to telecommute part of the week instead I was constantly humiliated in front of staff by her and the VP of our department. Spoken to slowly as if I were developmentally challenged and asked if I understood. I trained in the new editors including the lead editor. Did her work because she could not handle it, product manager would ask me to take over projects to get them down quickly and accurately. I think the lead felt threatened, so her and the VP finally pushed me over the edge (coworkers brought this up to me)also found the lead and VP threw me under the bus several times when I was not there. I had another breakdown. Lost my job. Cannot find another, being met with much age discrimination. I am 54. No self confidence left, feel old, ugly, fat (seriously my grandson asked why I have such an ugly face). To think I was pretty with a runway figure for years, adversity takes a toll. Was hired for an offsite position by a contractor to a fed agency but when I sent pic for badge the offer was rescinded. I am working hard to develop my own business and have a junior partner. My agoraphobia is so severe I needed a front person. My youngest is now 17 and will graduate early. I know if the proposals I created are not accepted by at least one company I will lose my home and all I have. There is so much more but I tried to keep it concise.

Conclusion is I have never known love, my self confidence has been under constant attack, and yes, mom, I do wish I was someone else.