I'm going crazy right now. so I've always been depressed. moments of happiness come and go but the anxiety and depression linger for ever. uggghhhh deep breaths. I walk around telling myself to think positive because I truly believe you create your universe, what is around you and every feeling affects your body. diseases and sickness are results of our minds creation. but fuck is this hard . it just feels like its one thing right after another I bought a house when the market is at its highest. and now I'll never be able to sell So now I pay for a home wher one thing needs fixing then another then another, so money is a big issue with me. I have a decent job enough to support my fam. I got 2 beutiful kids 4/1 they are my life. The only reason I could never off myself. My wife is so fucking selfish though. she's cute and is a good mother but a terrible lover. I'm a good lover she cant let herself go with me though and that builds up alot of pressure in me as well. maybe sex once a month and it SUCKS. I think about women all the time and have women hitting on me and know that i could but I'm trying to be the good husband and father. I masturbate frequently now just so I am too tired to even try anything cause if it is offered to me I want to not be able to. My wife doesnt even notice. This masturbation is making me sick. All this shitty porn is fucking up my head too. I selfed medicated with pot for most of my life starting at 14. I'm 36 now. I havent smoked in 3 weeks. Maybe thats why I'm stressed the fuck out. Anyway thats not even the shitty parts, thats not even that shitty anyway. I can deal with that. The other day I got locked up. i came home drunk. Yes Alcohol is fucked up. I never drink. I had a really hard day. Friend was in hospital, attempted suicide. Also I was in a convention that day coincidentally about suicide. I am a av tech guy so I set up mics and sound systems and cameras and all that av stuff. So i spent the day listening to one depressing story after another. Wrong choice to go and drink after work. I drank enough to where I should not have been driving but I did. on my drive home I got a call saying friend was in hospital, so called hospital and was talking to them trying to help them see some positives and all that shit you try to tell people. Which by the way I'm not so sure it can be prevented. It can be intercepted if their lucky but I dont know maybe it shouldnt be you know,,,I dont know. Any way I get to my house and am sitting in the parking lot on the phone with a serious conversation when my wife comes up with this very familiar psycho look on her face she throws the door open and is like WTF???? "I say chill out this isnt cool I'm on the phone I'll be in in a minute". She says "no way I'm sitting right here"..Fine sit I dont care . I finish my conve with my bitch wife sitting right next to me. obviously this convo is intense but her reaction is still who are you talking to? why didnt you come in blah blah blah. all crazy like. I go inside and it continues. All up in my face its getting loud now and thankfully the kids are in bed. ugghhh my poor kids. I'll try to shorten this up a bit. finally I say f this I'm leaving drunk as fuck still so stupid. this is kind of a blur to me now. but as I'm leaving she grabs my phone and says I'm calling the cops. I'm out the door. This part I totally dont remember. She says I come back in and strangle her saying " I'll give you something to call the cops about and hold her till she passes out. she says she woke up on the floor when I was leaving. I left and drove to my office and woke up the next day on the floor of my office. On my phone was a message from the sheriff to give him a call. the next morning i went home to reconcile. Wifey obviously pissed told me what I did and I said I'm sorry I've never done this before and am truly regretting everything havent drank in a week since that happened. but anyway I turned myself in and was booked on 3rd degree assault and harrasement. Fine I deserve this. I work so hard to support everyone. my wife doesnt work she doesnt know she just wants to spend. anyway next day see the judge. judge tells me if my wife was there i could of been released on my own personal recognicance, she wasnt so bail is set. I had the money for bail if my wife would come bail me out. she doesnt. its my money she wont go get, she says i deserve this. i agree but whos going to pay for anything when i cant go to work and get fired. anyway I have to pay a bondsmen 300$$ to get me out shitty when I had the money. so now restraining order comes and cant see kids or wife, I can contact to arrange visit supervised though. now I cant go home and have been sleeping on the floor for 2 days. she finally agrrees to see me. I ask her to bring me a sleeping pad and some clothes. we meet. she forgets my stuff. great. i take my kids to the library great time go to the park awesome i'm so sad but I dont show that god I love them so much. shes being friendly and we work it so we go out to dinner after that and have a civil decent time. yes yes we talk about making it better we need some help, or actually more like I need some help. I believe that she played a big role in this just like almost everytime there is a argument it's the same start, her jealous unfounded emotions . she really is semi crazywhat is she jealous about? She doesnt even have a libido. anyway after dinner ice cream sweet goodbyes and hugs and son saying daddy when u comin home uuuugggghhh. oh very busy at work son I'll be home soon. soo sad for me I am so depressed. ok coming to an end .. court in 4 more days office floor for just a little bit longer. I cant sleep and am losing my mind. maybe wife will drop stuff off tomorrow. So talked to DA she says it would be looked upon really greatly if wife wrote a letter to modify my restraining order also if she wrote how she didnt press charge but that because an ambulance was called by the neighbor, oh i left that part out. She went to the stupid neighbors house because she was scared. she had a little bump on her head. neighbor called an ambulance to look at it. A BUMP ON THE HEAD REALLY??? so now i have to pay for that too. of course with an ambulance call comes the police so in this state she doesnt need to press charges, the state does it since were married. ok so DA states this would be much easier if she got these letters in. I would still have classes and all that but it wouldn't be so harsh. I talk to my wife and she refuses she thinks I really need counseling and deserve the most i can get. she doesn't get it. this is our fams life too. shes leaving back home for a bit on our money; I havent paid mortgage yet and cant. now we need to buy wood to heat our home cant now and she doesnt get it. this is going down hill fast. you all probably think I'm a wife beater thats what child services think, oh those guys will fuck you and everything they possibly can, yeah sure their here to help. and then they threaten my wife to take the kids away if we meet. they have the restrainig order we followed the rules but they say thats the way we interpret it. the law doesnt leave room for interpretation we talkted to the cops and they said dont worry about it. so be warned child services will try to fuck you while stating their here to help. OK so this is my shit hole right now. doesnt seem so bad now that I've written it and I guess thats why I did. My own personal therapy. its just hard and I have to stay positive and all that bs. but seriously whats next? well find out soon. | |
Fight for your kids once everything is sorted out and prove to them that you can change your image if you work hard.
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