I feel really stupid writing this because I read a lot of these stories and some of them describe lives so much worse off than mine, so I do feel kinda selfish...
I'm 16 so I'm still a kid really, and I live with my parents and brother. All of my other family members whom I love to pieces live very far away so i don't see them very often.
I constantly surround myself with people (i think to avoid being left alone with my thoughts) and friends, but i never really know who i can rely on. I find that i always seem to be the person who people talk to about their life and problems but when it comes to mine they don't want to know, or i feel like i'm annoying them if i try to talk about it.
I love my boyfriend very much and we have known each other a long time, and when we are together is the only time I am truly happy. However he goes to university far away from where I live so i rarely see him. He did cheat on me last year which cut me deep, as I sort of let my guard down with him and he broke that trust.
My best friend has been with her boyfriend for two years and he is now the centre of her life. she never answers my calls or texts and the only time i really see her is at school, and even then she seems to be untalkative and is constantly texting her lover.
I do have a lot of friends but they are people i like to spend time with and have a laugh with rather than confide in. I know i shouldn't close my mind off to confiding in them but as i have already said they don't seem to care when i do, or at least that is the impression i get.
I just went through my phonebook and tried to call my boyfriend and a few of my closest friends. only one picked up, but she said she was too busy to talk.
I admit that i do occasionally have the habit of pushing those who are closest to me away but this is only evident with my boyfriend and brother.
My parents seem to dislike me although i know they do love me dearly... my mother has spent the last few years telling me i am nothing and she has a very short temper when it comes to me. she hasn't been violent since i was much younger as she knows i am the stronger of us but her words make me feel like a really isolated member of the family... if a member of the family at all.
I have always got on very well with my dad and i've always seen him as the rational one of my parents, but over the last year he has been treating me more and more like my mum does. He doesn't seem to care about what i have to say or how i feel anymore, and whatever the row may be he always sides with my mother. I understand that this is natural in a marriage but sometimes my mum twists rows and things i have done to cause trouble; driving the wedge between my father and i further apart.
i have tried talking to my parents about my loneliness in the past but whenever i have tried talking about something meaninful they have laughed in my face.
i have always been very sociable and i am always the leader of a crowd; i am loud and excitable and people who meet me always say how happy i seem. but i only seem happy as for the last few years my head as taken a total downfall.
as a child, i was quite difficult, particularly as i have always been quite intelligent. I had a few close friends but i also argued with other children a lot, especially girls. Lots of the kids picked on me because i wore glasses and had a funny surname, but i always fought back and the arguement usually ended in violence.
when i started at secondary school i was quite cocky and involved myself in a number of fights, but i soon settled down and made nice friends of whom i am still friends with now. when i was 13 i got involved in a bad group of girls andi started drinking and smoking, the only two habits from that era which have seen me through the last few years. on a night out with these girls my best mate got raped and i was the only person to believe her and stick by her. i felt responsible because i hadnt been there when it had happened and it is a night that still hurts us both. this was an eye opener for us and we quickly turned out lives around.
i got good gcse results but my parents said they weren't good enough. most of my teachers aren't fond of me and i think it may be an issue of mine with authority.
I find it easier to blame everyone around me for my loneliness but i do think it is a problem of my own.
no one seems to really care about me and it scares me; i worry that i will be mentally alone forever. small incidents that highlight my loneliness really get to me, particularly in regard to my parents.
i don't understand why i am so lonely as i have so many friends and family. i know it must be a fault in my own head. i often find myself talking to myself when no one is around, saying 'i have nothing, i have no one' over and over again. when i am alone for long periods of time i always end up crying and i don't understand why. i know it sounds really really weird but i have also had conversations with the moon about my loneliness... sometimes i blame it for the hurt i feel. i occasionally think about suicide but it is a cowards way out, and i couldn't hurt my boyfriend like that, although i don't think anyone else would really be that lost without me.
i am scared that i am mad. i have spoken to my best mate and boyfriend about this and they laughed and said i was being a dick. im scared all of the time yet i seem so confident on the outside. i dont want to have to pretend anymore but the real me is so weird and mental.
i know this has been a fucking essay and a half but i would love it if whoever read the whole thing gave me their thoughts on this | |
I just want to say, you know, trek through it. I live in my head too. No one understands me or knows me. You know what helps? Writing. Write everything out. When you're talking to yourself? Write it down. Write it all down. It gives it a sense of finality, permanence. Like even if no one knows you, the paper knows you and it won't betray your secrets and it won't judge you. It doesn't give a fuck - it's paper.
If you ever need to talk to someone who won't judge you or berate you...email me. I care about you. I try to care about everyone. martinm@lafayette.edu
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