Ok, speaking of shell-shocked, how do I put this in a nutshell (sorry it’s so long, you don’t have to read it, I just needed to vent): as a child was isolated by intelligence (which has served me no real purpose now); molested, apparently, and emotionally abused/controlled/manipulated; put in the position of being caregiver in a dire situation, etc.
When I was young, within a matter of three months, my aunt died a needless horrible death by cancer due to doctors’ indifference (i.e. “oh, you must be faking it”) and my mom almost died, the place where I worked was bombed by terrorists, and my father was gunned down and killed at a wedding. During the period after this, I met and married a man, had three children with him then after 15 years of marriage (and more emotional abuse for both myself and kids) he left us for another woman.
At the time, I felt I was doing all right getting us all under the same roof (he basically left us in the street when he left and then didn’t want to pay child support) and felt like things would be ok. I was working five jobs, glad for the chance to have my children (and my elderly mother, whom I was still caring for) with me.
Then my son, who had a lot of anger about the way his dad had treated him/us, made some very, extremely bad decisions, which resulted in criminal charges that precluded him being around the younger children. My ex wouldn’t take him, and nobody else would, so I was forced to take the younger kids to my ex’s for what I thought would be a couple of weeks while we sorted out what to do with our son. Two weeks later, on my son’s birthday, I was served with papers indicating my ex wanted primary custody.
His girlfriend had gotten herself knocked up, and they had had a shotgun wedding, so they were able to go to the court and say they had two parents in the home as opposed to me being on my own (and of course always being at work, with five jobs to survive). Yes, we all saw this movie on Lifetime, and it sucked then too. So, the court gave them primary custody, even though the kids wanted to stay with me, and I ended up paying HIM child support (the guy makes over three times what I make, btw).
Meanwhile, I had met someone who seemed to want to be with me and work together to make things better. That relationship ended up being abusive, with me not being able to get out because I still had my elderly mother with me and had nowhere to go (once again, no one would take HER). Finally, when the situation became life-affecting, I put my mom in the hospital and left basically with the clothes on my back.
That was two years ago, and now I’m here, working three jobs, riding my bike to work, everything that mattered to me ripped away, and no matter what I do or how hard I work, things just keep getting worse and worse. No family, few friends, and nothing to want or hope for if I don’t have my kids. My health has deteriorated but obviously have no insurance, everyone at work thinks I’m weird because I’m always grimacing in pain, but I HAVE to go on cuz there’s no other option right now. I guess the fact that I’m here is a good thing, and I should be happy about that, but honestly, it’s like, will this ever stop? And why bother...As you can imagine, the sheer massive weight of all my crap scares any even remotely decent guy away; and I feel like anyone I meet right now is probably a psycho anyway.
Anyway, there’s more, but that’s pretty much the part I can tell without being too graphic (lol, I’ve traumatized two therapists and a couple of attorneys). I’ve tried to ask for help from legal aid, etc., but no one can/will help. I am definitely ON MY OWN. Actually, not only that, but there are actively people who wake up in the morning trying to think of ways to screw me (lol, it’s not paranoia when people are really out to get you, eh?). So, is there any hope for me or any reason to keep trying? Obviously, my once-strong faith has taken a pretty big hit...and yet I’m too stupid or proud to give up. Sigh, there’s GOT to be a way to get out of this hole...
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