I've always felt that I should be lucky.My father held me out of a window and threatened to drop me but didn't. He kicked us out. My Stepdad told me that if it wasn't for him I would be unwanted. My Mum has told me that if she'd had a choice she would'nt have had me. They had a lot of hopes for me as a youngster as I was recognised as 'gifted'. This has not come to pass. I dropped out of uni as I became depressed. I've had ups and downs and been in violent relationships. I had a breakdown and finally spoke up to my mother. Since 1973 it has just been me and her. My brother was born in 1980 and much as I love him he is the apple of my mother's eye and that hurts. Since my last time in hospital she told me that he is the only person in the world that cares about me and that I'd better not wreck things or I'll have no one.I don't really believe I can be that bad, I'm not a criminal and I'm not a nasty person.I lost a job that I was really good at in feb and since then have lost my flat and am struggling to survive. I am staying in a friend's house but it is only a matter of time before I have to go. I can't take any more.I keep trying to fight but everytime I get kicked in the nuts (if i had any). I'm so sorry for being defeatist but I don't know what to do anymore.