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Posted by mary at February 19, 2010
Tags: Abuse  Bad Luck  Family  2010 February  Juvenile problems  Unemployment

hi,
i had a rather good childhood until my mother started psychologically abusing me when i was 13. She was on meds for years. She was yelling, screaming and violent.

When i was 16 my father got sick, he had a brain disease and was irrational and a danger to himself and others (he might turn on the oven thinking he was turning on the light)... my mother took good care of him until she snapped and started beating him. When i was 20 my father died, and then my mother got depressions.

I was not allowed to cry about my father's death because she said i did not go every day to the hospital to see him. Then she started having problems that i had a boyfriend and was calling him names.

For 2 years I could not go out of the house anymore except to go to university. i had to call her all the time to let her know where i was or else she would call me crying, telling me "i thought u died".
She was getting dizzy when i wanted to go out with friends, so i was not going out ever, i was just sitting with her watching TV every night.

Once i came home and she was sitting in her room pointing a gun at her heart... all the time she was telling me she would commit suicide and did not accept any help.

After that episode she went to a mental hospital for 2 weeks and came back better. Then she went and got the first drunk who crossed her way. He was really constantly drunk, a chain smoker, and in a matter of 3 weeks he came to live at our house. He was constantly looking at my ass and my breasts..he was entering my room at night to look at me.. He was disgusting, most of times sleeping on the sofa holding an empty bottle in one hand and a burning cigarette in the other.

My mother started drinking too, and i had two people yelling, screaming and threatening me.

I finished my studies, the bastard did not allow my godparents to come to the graduation because they dared to tell him that he should not drink so much.

A few months after i graduated he died from a heart attack. I left the house as soon as i found a job, because my mother was calling me a prostitute because i wanted to give the bicycle of the dead guy to my boyfriend (i had ended up paying stuff for them! at least i thought to get something out of it!). She got even more crazy and almost killed me with a hammer the day i left.

She died of cancer a few years later, i had to take care of all the problems she left behind (financial, lawsuits) and guess who inherited the most of the little that had remained? the daughter of the dead guy!! who is a drug addict by the way.

Now i am depressed myself, even though for a while things were going well, i got married and i was really happy (and i still am happy with my husband). Then i finished post graduate school and after a month my company fired me because of lack of budget. Now i ended up with a part-time job and a very low salary and no hope to find something in my field because of the crisis. I am home half week, looking for a job, and getting no answers.

All that ever made me feel safe were my studies and i always thought that if i worked hard i would get something in return.. now i feel as if i just wasted my time. Instead of studying i could have found a job at 20 (when my father died) and left the house and not go through all that sh*t. I feel unsafe because IF something does not go well in my marriage, i will not be independent.

I am terrified that after all the effort i will end up as a housewife with some crappy job and a horrible person like my mother... i feel i am useless and a weight for everybody.



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Comments:
By anonymous at 19,Feb,10 19:16

well you have a man you love, and with love all things are possible. No matter how hard it is to scrape by if you have someone by your side, its safer. You know Your past was crazy and sucked just try to find some peace now.


By at 19,Feb,10 19:49

I'm really sorry about all the things your mother put you through. Yes, she screwed up, ALOT! But right now, there is nothing you can do about the past and you have to leave the past where it belongs and keep it there.

I say be proud of your accomplishments becuase if because it was hard work! what makes you think that whatever this job you were going to have at 20 years old will take care of you? You could have gotten laid off or lost that job, too. We may never know. And just becuase you lost THIS job, doesnt mean this will be your destiny from now on. Maybe you werent meant to have that job. jobs fail all the time. In fact, i just heard on the news that a hospital that my mother use to work at has filed bankruptcy. I believe she worked there for 13 years and its really sad that it's going to be another empty building on the side of the road.

"All that ever made me feel safe were my studies and i always thought that if i worked hard i would get something in return"

Yea i think i can relate becasue its like once you graduate from your studies, you feel like
"I'm on top of the world! now its time to make some money!" but that isnt the case. You have to think about all the other students who have graduated in the same field as you and you have to compete against all those people. So it takes time to find the desirable job. But accomplising a degree is worth it and you should be proud of your work. Even though you had a VERY tough time with your mother, you kept going to school, you kept those grades up and you graduated! You had all that strength to keep going and you learned to keep your stress at home.

Maybe there arent any jobs available in your area. I would look online and call around in other cities or even the state and see if jobs are available there. Maybe you have to get up and move to antoher city or state to find a job. Thats what my parents did when they couldnt find a job. they got in contact with someone from three states down and someone got him a job, we've been here ever since. Talk it over with your husband and see what he thinks about it.

"I am terrified that after all the effort i will end up as a housewife with some crappy job and a horrible person like my mother... i feel i am useless and a weight for everybody"

Consider your hard times with her a learning experience. NOW you know how not to act and treat people if you ever go through some of the things she went through. And since you've seen her mistakes, hopefully you will try to avoid the same things she failed to avoid.

Don't compare yourself to your mother. this is YOUR life,YOUR personality, YOUR accomplishments and YOUR Marraige. She has nothing to do with it. If you dont want to end up like her, then simply don't be! Was it really your fault when you lost the job? Not really, so why feel useless? But we can only do what we can and try again later.

I would also talk to your husband on these feelings you have. He's your partner for life, youre suppose to go to him for things like these. maybe he can say or share some things that may ease your mind.


By anonymous at 03,Mar,10 21:39

Both of my parents were abusive psychopaths. They (and my school teachers) called me stupid, even though I have an IQ of 140. (What a lonely life I have, dealing with people who could not possibly comprehend the stuff I know, but I deal with it OK). Forget your past and live for the future. It is tough, I know, but the strongest steel went through the hottest forge!


By mary at 04,Mar,10 07:51

Thank you for your answers!
I will try to be more positive about the future.. it's just quite hard and i tend to think "what bad thing will happen next". I am too tired to be strong at this point, maybe i should just let things happen as they want to.


By smashing top seo at 23,Oct,13 15:20

Cfh3hZ Fantastic post.Really thank you! Much obliged.


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