I've hated myself since I was 6. My beat friend and her brother took turns molesting me. No one in my family ever noticed. My dad was always doped up on Meth, cocaine, heroin. You name it. My mom worked all the time, rarely did I see her. The abuse stopped when my "best friend" finally moved away when I was 7.
But then it picked up right where it stopped, my baby sisters dad begin molesting me. And AGAIN nobody fucking noticed.
My dad used to get so angry he'd throw shit across the room, he'd steal my favorite toys an smash them. He was my favorite though, he never hurt me. But I watched him beat the shot put of my sister almost everyday.
My parents got divorced when I was 6. I cried everynight. I had nightmares that his drug dealers were gonna kill him because he owed so much money. He hired prostitutes and OD-ed countless times.
As a LIL kid I was scrawny. I had big blue eyes and I was so naive. Everyone was emean to me, I only had one best friend and then she stabbed me in the back.
I started burning and cutting myself when I was 11. I thought I was fat and ugly and dirty.
I started drinking heavily and huffing when I was 12, when I was 13 I tried pcp and lots of pain killers.
Kids never shut up, they made fun of me everyday. I have ADHD and my grades were horrible.
I hated going home so I'd stay at a grocery store till "dinner time"
I got prescribed rittalin when I was 14. I quickly realized I could make some money so I started selling. Often I'd rail pills too, to get high. I wouldn't eat for days, I'd stay awake for days it was endless.
I've attempted suicide 3 times and no one ever noticed. Ha. But I'm alive.
Now I'm 17 and I only smoke weed MAINLY. but my moms on my ass even though she doesn't even realize how much I've improved.
I know many people have a harder lives, I just felt like getting this shit out. Haha. | |
And if I were you, I'd just fucking quit using anything. Weed might not be the worst thing though, so you are making progress, but why the fuck do you want to put all that crap into your body? Start exercising or doing some extreme sports, or something... there are natural ways to get high you know :).
You've got your whole life ahead of you, with endless possibilities waiting for you to choose from. Use your imagination and come up with a plan/goal that you can work toward making a reality.
If you have difficulty dealing with the emotions and memories of the past, maybe you can find a counselor that's a good fit to talk with, to work out some of the issues you're struggling with. Or do some reading online or from books about dealing with the after-effects of abuse or whatever is troubling you, as well as how to create a good life for yourself. There are a lot of folks out there who want to help others succeed in life.
You've survived a lot and gotten stronger already. Just keep making good/better choices for yourself so that your adult life is a wonderful contrast to your terrible childhood.
Many very successful, happy people started out life in terrible circumstances and overcame them. You can, too. You have to have faith in yourself.
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