My biggest problem is that I have no soul (I am not religious or anything, but I am damned because I made a mistake by lying about something two years ago, for which I lost my soul…and even before that, I was always making passive decisions my entire life; I never stood up for what was right or sought to make a change that could lead to excitement. I am not “haunted by guilt” by I feel “haunted by the past” in a different way; it’s too hard to explain. ) My second-biggest problem is that I am a slave to college. I read some of the other paragraphs, so I know that most people here will probably sympathize with me because college seems to be a huge problem that is plaguing society, blah blah. I am 22 years old and have been in college for four years, but my grades were so bad that I am still considered a second year student and am nowhere close to graduating. I am a Biology/former chemistry major (I hated chemistry but stuck with it for two years until one semester of solid D’s). I suck at science; if I had a job working in a lab I would probably at the very least screw up/destroy the experiment and at the worst break all the lab instruments. I am not going to say cause an explosion, because that only happens to badass, exciting people. Just kidding. I’m not exaggerating; I am probably thee worst science student at my University. I can’t even use a microscope. I can’t go for fifteen minutes in a lab without messing up something, misreading a direction or messing up a measurement. Paying attention in labs is like physical pain because there are so many minute details, that it is extremely boring and nerve-wracking. Not that I would even want to work a job that requires you to squint into a microscope for eight hours. So in short, I have no aptitude in my major, and it seems like a useless major anyway. I can at least tolerate reading the textbooks and get decent grades if I try, but who cares, I’ll just forget all that information anyway, especially if I drink alcohol, which I rarely do—but even one drink causes me to forget entire books I have read. In labs I always just copy my lab partners’ work, and I never learn anything.
I was in college for two years doing the bare minimum of work, being too pussy to drop out because at that point in time I didn’t want to work fast food/upset my parents. I am too lazy to try hard in any of my classes and I always do whatever is the easiest, whether this means clinging on by the edge to college or dropping out of college and working at a cafeteria. Last year I dropped out of college and got said cafeteria job which I actually liked for the first three months. Even though I now hate this job I would probably rather stay out of college if I had the option. However, if I don’t finish college I will never be able to justify throwing away $50,000 that belonged to my parents.
For my FIFTH YEAR at college I was hoping to transfer to a University in a "thriving city" that doesn't look like an alien parasite invaded it where there actually exists the possibility for a social life, and so I could be with my {only} friend who goes to that college, but alas I cannot…I found out that doing so would further prolong my so-called would-be graduation date, and I want desperately to get out of college as QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE with the least amount of pain. I already made the exact same mistake before, by transferring to a party school my parents could barely afford and then failing and dropping out.
I knew from the very start that college would screw up my life, but foresight has never stopped me from doing something stupid. I want so badly to drop out and live an adventure, but I have spent $50,000 on classes. I only have one friend; I used to have two, but one of them was a retarded sociopath with ADHD—when I used to hang out with my two friends, we never even had fun, but did boring things like going to boring stores and watching them buy things, talking, and watching them get drunk while I drove them everywhere. In high school I had several {amazing} friends, but I started ignoring them all so I could live inside my head, and eventually lost my best friend; I took friendship for granted. I used to get bullied a lot, and I NEVER stood up for myself; I just ignored my enemies, which is plain wrong. I don’t have a boyfriend either, for a multitude of reasons, mostly because it is like pulling teeth to initiate a conversation, and I live in the Cleveland, Ohio area (Cleveland is a dead city). I was considered really smart and gifted, but I have wasted my potential. I wasted my youth doing ABSOLUTELY nothing, and I told myself it was okay because everyone else did the same mindless things as I did, i.e. watching TV and listening to music on my headphones. I thought I was destined for greatness or something and that God would make my life magically exciting.
I used to be creative/artistic, but then I realized that I was never talented at art to begin with, and I am not creative anymore; whatever creativity I had, I lost it. I have lost a lot of sleep on a chronic basis, so I might have brain damage…maybe also from the few times I got drunk (which was barely worth it). I always sort of wanted to go to parties and get drunk and have fun in college, but needless to say, that never crappened. The one friend that I have is a very talented artist, and also seems to be turning into an alcoholic/pothead.
I have a few minor hobbies on and off, so at least that’s some comfort, when I can make myself do the hobbies. I tried volunteering at a rape crisis center, but gave it up/got kicked out for being insensitive. I never really was one for volunteering.
Something funny is that I dream about boredom a lot and I often have nightmares about boredom. Like for instance, I have dreamed that I was chopping up vegetables for forty-five minutes, cleaning a toilet for five mintues, sitting in a fast-food drive-through for five minutes, etc. Before this phase of boredom-dreaming I had dreams that were extremely interesting and complex, even though my life was still boring then. I don’t think I am getting NREM sleep, because I wake up after every dream I have and then go back to sleep; I wake up multiple times in a night.
Another extremely interesting thing is that I am a Pisces moon, and my moon sign basically says people with this moon sign will act this way. My best friend in high school wrote me a paragraph about my horoscope (Cancer sun sign and Pisces moon sign) which when I read at the time sounded kind of strange and mostly accurate but still not quite right, but I reread it a couple of nights ago and was freaked out because it was so dead-on.
Another extremely interesting thing is that I am a Pisces moon, and my moon sign basically says people with this sign will act the way I do…that they will drift forever and never accomplish anything. My best friend in high school wrote me a paragraph about my horoscope (Cancer sun sign and Pisces moon sign) when I was fourteen, which when I read at the time sounded kind of strange and somewhat accurate, but I reread it a couple of nights ago and was freaked out because it was dead-on. I have three siblings and they all have Pisces for a moon sign. It might be because it is a more common moon-sign for my generation or something.
I don’t want to hear anyone’s motivational speech, because only I can motivate myself, and probably the same goes for everyone else. I know people mean well, but you can’t do other people’s thinking for them; sure, you might give them good advice, but you can’t change someone’s entire outlook on life by giving them a pep talk.
I like that one person’s post and thought it was interesting, that person who posted something about déjà-vu and said that they thought it was bad for people to go on these websites because then they’ll read about other people’s problems and think that it’s okay to be lazy because it’s normal; I was thinking the same thing to myself, but I have to disagree, because if I weren’t on this website reading about other people’s problems I would be doing something even more worthless like watching TV, and at least reading about other people’s problems makes me happier because I can think to myself, “Hey, there are people who are worse off than me.”
People love to say, “Get off your ass and do something.” Okay, do WHAT exactly? Fill out a job application to work at Best Buy? There are many things I could be doing, but I don’t want to do any of them.
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