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Stuck in my half life

Posted by anonymous at June 23, 2011
Tags: Job  2011 June  Loneliness  Meaninglessness  Mistakes

I am 33 years old and as pathetic I imagine a person can be. I am a single white male, living alone and eat takeaways every day. I have no friends.
I don't even live in a first world country.

I had a bad upbringing and didn't get on with both my mother and strict father. Because of this I never had the opportunity to rebel and so was just a good quiet kid not trying to upset anyone. I was very underweight for my height and at school they teased me as I looked much younger than my age and because I was so thin I looked anorexic. My mother always said I was greedy taking a big serving when she made food so she made me feel guilty so I took small portions.
I could never do activities after school or make friends as my parents were very antisocial and bough a house far away in the middle of no where and I had to take a lift directly after school to get home.
My life during school was my imagination and daydreaming.

My dad retired early and made my life a misery as he was an alcoholic and was at home and I had to do chores for him like buy him cigarette and alcohol, take off his shoes from his feet,clean his shoes, get him beer, make him drinks and help carry him to bed from the TV because he was too drunk to get there himself. He was a very unreasonable person treating me like a little kid and if I made any noise he could hear even if I was outside he would have a fit and scream at me for doing it.

During school my one hobby was watching American TV. This was television during the 80s with karate kid, Rambo, Rocky and a thousand actions films where the underdog would always come out on top.
This underdog idea became so engrained in my mind that it became my identity.
I never new better as I had nothing to compare my life with so I thought I had to suffer and life would eventually turn into a fairytale so I ended up not caring what my day to day was like. My life was just avoiding trouble and waiting for the day I can support myself.

I went to the university where my dad told me to go and do the degree he said I should do. My parents figured because I was such an introvert I should study computer science despite me not owning a computer. I had to get my drunk dad to buy me a PC in my 2nd year as I needed one as to do a course.

University wasn't fun as I had zero social skills, was very shy and looked a couple of years younger than I was. In my last year of varsity my dad died of a heart attack. My university marks improved significantly where I was previously just passing and I became more confident .
I bought a small apartment with my inheritance after completing my degree.

After university I applied with recruiters for jobs as a programmer but I didn't make a good impression with them as I looked immature, had a blank CV so I never got a chance to go for any interview with their clients.
I did get once interview after a few months with one recruiter and got the job after the 1st interview. I was working by myself in this small company doing programming for a year but I lost my temper at this psychopath of an senior network guy who always bad mouthed me unreasonably because he was insecure and I worked hard. Because of my outburst the company fired me. I was too emotional to know what happened but thought it is best to move on as quickly as I can. However I had to use the company as references as it was the only company I worked at so I told them I'd rather resign than be fired. After that I couldn't find a job after a year and tried to do little odd jobs for people but I got depressed as the very little income I got could not cover half of my living expenses.

I spent my days buying newspapers and applying for any job and not getting even an interview.
After 4 years all my savings ran out and I was just about to take my own life as I would not able to afford anything. I decided to give finding a job one more shot and lie on my resume and apply for jobs. I got my first interview for 3 years and got the job. The pay wasn't good and the staff turnover for the position was very high which is probably why they didn't check my false references and experience. However despite this I excelled at the job and did so well I got to fly to many countries around the world to do work at the company's clients.

After 3.5 years I got tired of travelling and wanted a decent salary so I applied for a another job as a programmer. I got the job and after another 1.5 years I resigned and took a better paying job.
However now I am feeling that my age is counting against me as a programmer. In my current company the young brat know it all programmers only work on new technologies leaving me to work on the old stuff in which there is no future.

I feel like I have become a zombie. I have nothing to look forward to. I spend my days stressing, dreaming and procrastinating. I keep on a mask and act and speak confidently to co-workers so they don't think less of me.
My dream is to save enough money to move to the beach as I love the sun and the sea but it requires so much preparation, money and finding a new employer that I am just feeling like it is so far away.

People my age have achieved so much, they have a family and a house. I have nothing except staring at a screen all day. I feel like I have thrown my life away and that I am pathetic.
I don't know what is going to become of me as I don't have anything to look forward to except this 2nd rate life I am living.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 20,Jul,11 08:25

To the other comment , we cant comment unless we have walked in their shoes , try being a bit helpful or at least compassionate , we have obviously had a crap life or else we wouldnt be on this site !!!!!
By anonymous at 20,Jul,11 19:54

Exactly! Also, that is why we come to this site. For some people, this is the only way to relieve their stress and to the person who wrote this story-

I truly feel sorry for what you have gone through (especially the alcoholic father part) but hang in there. You have made it too far to just give up!

By anonymous at 20,Jul,11 19:55

first commenter. shut the fuck up

By anonymous at 20,Jul,11 22:48

This is like reading my own story.

By anonymous at 21,Jul,11 06:15

hey, try to think of things that u have now. i think u should get help to improve ur social skills. that way, in future u can make friends, maybe meet a nice girl...

all the best

By anonymous at 21,Jul,11 16:38

just kill yourself already!! depressing people like you make successful, high-esteemed people feel depressed. just STFU!!

By anonymous at 21,Jul,11 18:19

hello, sorry to hear your despair. It sounds like you had some cultural issues that made your life hell, as mine did as well. With your degree you can find a job I am sure, maybe not what you like but you can find a job and move to the beach. I want to do the same. Dont' feel bad, I am in your shoes and I am a 44 year old women. Very attractive, own my own home, I look younger too, people think I'm 30. Its hard to get out of depression but just remember it can be worse. Hope you find your way....

By anonymous at 22,Jul,11 00:43

I agree.
just kill yourself.
the world will go on fine without you polluting the ears of others with your saddening story.
By anonymous at 01,Aug,11 14:46

if you dont like saddening stories just dont read them. and u or anyone else doesnt have the ight to tell anyone to kill themselves. people can change.depressed people also need support not saying go kill yourself.

By at 22,Jul,11 18:17

All the people that gave in their negative comments are assholes. I mean, okay, to this "anonymous" person -first at least read the whole thing. You can't just read the first paragraph, then the last and base your judgment upon that.

I'd just like to tell the person that wrote this that there is still hope. There are many people out there, struggling. But hey, whenever you feel like your life is miserable, look at the people who can't even afford to buy food and clothes. Life is tough. You have to be hopeful that something better is waiting for you. I know it sounds cheesy but happiness is not a destination. You have to find it on your way. Just please don't ever. EVER give up. Things will get better. Have faith. Don't ever stop trying.

By at 22,Jul,11 18:22

And secondly, 'successful, high-esteemed' people wouldn't be visiting this site in the first place. Help someone here who needs help or just get out.

By anonymous at 22,Jul,11 19:22

Stop complaining. There are people who have no home. I understand you had a hard life in the past but now it's time for you to move on and have a new start. Don't let people get to you, be confident and you will find your way. Hope I helped :)

By anonymous at 23,Jul,11 07:04

Hi! I'm a computer programmer too and I'm almost 29. I dont think you are old. Also, you can learn new computer languages, or, you can do something diferent on IT! You can manage the projects, etc. Let me tell you that, there's countries in the world, where your knowledge is very important, as you may know, you can find jobs there. In Brazil you can find a house near the beach, pretty cheap. You can meet women, if you want too. You can have a family, if you want too. All you need is courage! I dont think you had the courage to say what you felt to your father, you helped him, you were humble to care about him, now you've learned. You can change! Just have courage to risk and you'll find your path.

By anonymous at 28,Jul,11 14:41

stop complaining about your life! you have a degree in something not many are able to comprehend and not even attempt. your life is much better than a large portion of the world population. people like you and others who post of their lives on this site need to be sent to Africa and left there until they are able to appreciate what they have in life. stop being such a bitch!
By anonymous at 28,Jul,11 15:43

I hate talks about Africa, people are starving there, because they are incredible lazy, wake up its the most fertile continent.

By anonymous at 28,Jul,11 15:40

My life is also pathetic, but I thing we have good chance to change it, because we realized that we are pathetic.

By anonymous at 28,Jul,11 21:50

You are not are human and need to give yourself some credit...also, you can change your life. You may not be able to have all that you want, especially at same time, but you can set a small goal and achieve it. Fuck what others are doing--who cares--this is your life and not a contest. You are young enough to meet some of your goals..hell i'm 40 and i am still sometimes not sure what i want to do for work, etc. Good luck to you, please try to do one thing each day that makes you feel better--even if its a 5 minute walk, or picking one little thing that you like about yourself.

By anonymous at 02,Aug,11 21:46

Good story, it sounds like my shitty story.

By anonymous at 02,Aug,11 21:53

Oh yeah, and I HATE it when people say "Stop whining. People in Africa, China, etc." What a dumb comment. They say, "There are people starving in Africa." So what. People who are starving in Africa need to stop whining. There are people who are getting burned alive. "Stop whining about how you are getting burned alive. There are people who are getting mauled to death by dogs." Just because 99% of humans have worse lives than someone doesn't mean that person's life isn't bad.
By anonymous at 03,Aug,11 13:25

you should be one of the ones sent to Africa..

By anonymous at 06,Aug,11 13:17

hey listen... long story short... u have a job,despite all your mesiries during your childhood. i don't know whether i am right or not but try to take up courses on computer programming, and a personality development course perhaps too. don't let life to take a toll on you. you are the navigator of your life. stop this self-pity of will really make you a zombie 1 day.

By anonymous at 13,Oct,11 01:50

thats the story of my life,it's like your me.

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