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My life has always sucked

Posted by Miyos at June 15, 2011
Tags: Anxiety  Childhood  Family  2011 June  Life Story  Relationship

Well, I guess I just want to tell my sad story though perhaps some may not see it that way. So, my mom was always crazy, and not the typical crazy. She was depressed, paranoid and I believe that she is deeply and profoundly broken. Growing up she abused me mentally and physically. From the time I was 2 till about 10, I was always covered on bruises and sometimes couldn't even move because of excruciating pain. She would also psychologically abuse me by calling me fat, stupid, a slob, etc until i would break down and cry but that didnt seem to male her want to stop. My dad adored me in his own way but was always gone and never seemed to notice how abusive my mom was. I was molested when I was 4 by a neighbor and raped when I was almost 9. The sad part is thar no one even knew until I told my mom when I was 16 and of course she blamed me, but now she is just refusing to even acknowledge that it even happened. Well, when I was 17 I decided to leave home and move in with my God mother, who didn't have any children and always seemed to like me. I had a great 7 month. Finally I had someone who cared for me, who got up in the morning to make me breakfast and take me to school. I finally had someone who I can talk to, someone I can laugh with, someone who found me smart, charming and funny. But of course my life sucks so This didn't last for long. My parents wanted me back and they made it very clear that they would stop at nothing. Finally I caved in and moved back in the he'll hole and it wasn't long before my mom started accusing me of having an affair with my dad, accusing me of being a heroin addict and a prostitute. Of course I was none of those things but het accusations destroyed my relationship with my dad and even to this day I feel embarrassed to look him in the eyes.

Well, when I was 18 I met a boy. He was funny, drove a fast car, and seemed to love me very much. It didn't take long for me to fall for him and move in with him. Yes, we did get married shortly after and even had a child. I was beyond happy. This was my chance to have a family the way I wanted it to be. I cooked, I cleaned, took care of our son and would sometimes stare at him thinking that i could never do the things my mom did to me. I loved being a mom and a wife. Buy I realized that I needed to go to college and have a career. So I did. I went to college, majored in psychology and graduated top of my class. Unfortunately, my parents were never far and would always pop into my life unexpected to make things impossible. On top of that my marriage quickly went south. My wonderful husband became addicted to porn and would spend hours in front of the computer. I begged him to stop but it was no use. About a yr into his addiction, he came to me and told me that he wanted us to be swingers. Of course I did not agree to such thing, though I'm sure the lifestyle would be great for others. After about 3 month he gave me 2 choices, to have an open marriage or to get a divorce, so I went for the divorce. Meanwhile I pursued my doctorate in psychology and tried to be the best mother that I can be. Unfortunately I began suffering from depression and anxiety. It became very hard for me to be happy and it killed me to know that my son didn't have the mom hr deserved. I tried every antidepressant in the world with little success. Psychotherapy helped but not enough.

Now I'm a single mother, with no one to really turn to. I do have a bright career ahead of me but my depression is not allowing me to fully appreciate an enjoy life. I feel I'm being dragged through life, a place which I was brought into by default. The only joy in my life is my son but it pains me that I can't be the happy mom that he deserves. At times I believe that I don't deserve him and that he deserves 2 parents who are happy and whole. His father was great with him for about 2 yrs after our divorce but recently he fell in love and now the visits and phone calls are lessening. I don't want anyone's pitty but I do want to let others know that I too am suffering. It seems like so many people are hating life and I don't understand until when we r all going to allow this to keep on going. We should stand up and say enough is enough and really really try to change things. I believe that we all deserve to be happy and fulfilled. We all have one life and I feel like I'm letting mine slip though my fingers.


Similar Entries:
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LIFE SUCKS January 24, 2010
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Not As Bad As I Thought August 18, 2009
life sucks April 24, 2010

New Comment

By anonymous at 12,Jul,11 11:27

i just read your post. i am sorry for the things you have been through.
i too was physically abused during most of my childhood and teenage years. it stopped at the age of 19-20. right now i'm suffering with depression and suicidal thoughts. i have gone through asking why all this has happened to me to hating god for everything and for creating me to now being an atheist. i don't want to throw in the towel but life is hard. no one ever tells you this when you're a child. i guess all i can say to you is keep your chin up. you're better off without your ex and your son does have the mother he deserves. you love him and most importantly you are there for him and you do not intend nor want to do to him what your mom did to you. to me he sounds like a very lucky boy to have such a caring and loving mother. just because you have had difficulties in life, it doesn't automatically mean that your a bad mom. it just means that life has been hard on you and that you are still strong and fighting back and completely refusing to be defeated by the hardship.
i'm proud to know that there's someone out there like you in this world.
i really needed to hear it today of all days.
take care.

By anonymous at 14,Jul,11 01:16

Darling can't you see that even if life where against you, you still preserved most good about your self. Your heart. Being thru all that you didn't change. Dont worry about parents. Sometimes one must break the bad chain even if it means taking the distance from your own parents. The gift to you is your child. Form child to have strong values in life and be THERE for the child. The peak in life is going to be when this child sees what great mother he have. Then you will feel what was never there. You will feel what was once lost.
I really like your story. Keep it strong

By anonymous at 25,Jul,11 14:24

WOW, I am really amazed at your story too!! You've come a long way!!

Many men can feel threatened if their wife pursues further education. And there is way too much internet addiction and such these days, there are even places to cure that...

Sorry to hear you had to go through all that, it probably made you stronger and more understanding and more able to help others in similar situations too...

You've accomplished a lot, it's okay to be miserable and unhappy sometimes too... I've had a miserable/depressed mum too, and it may be difficult to change thought and behavior patterns, there is always a new day and we can start over... You don't have to be 'perfect' every day... Your son will understand.

Do you have a support network? friends, neighbours, acquaintances, classmates... people you and son could hang out with and maybe car pool or exchange resources or 'babysitting' time etc.. you don't have to do it all alone!! There may be other single moms or dads in the area, or single or married/partnered up people who'd appreciate the company and mutual help!! (Some stay-at-home married moms or people in long-distance relationships are quite lonely too!!)

You get born with 'biological' family, but you can create a new family of friends and people who appreciate your awesomeness and cheer you on your way!!!

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