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what cant i find happiness?

Posted by Nick at April 23, 2011
Tags: 2011 April  Family  Job  Sexuality

The day came when i had to join the military (yes, in some countries its still obligatory). I was 21 at the time and didnt want to go through this because i am gay. Not that i was afraid or anything, i just knew that spending one year of my life in such a 'male' environment wasnt for me. So i admitted i was gay and on the second day they threw me out. A few days later my parents found out the reason i didnt join the army and after a long talk with them my father threw me out of the house as well. I decided to return to the capital and finish with my university studies. Meanwhile i was informed that my parents got a divorce because my mother argued with my father about his desicion not to see me again and this forst lead to appointments with psychologists and finally to the divorce. Feeling guilty i couldnt concentrate on my studies, plus the fact that i had to earn money somehow to support myself financially. So i started working in night clubs and bars for 3 years, places where i only realised how cruel the world out there is. I experienced drugs, alcohol, sex with idiots, i experienced what we call night-life and how it makes you see that this is not a place for angels. Havent seen my father the last 3 years or talked to him, avoid speaking with my mom as well... After her divorce she kinda lost it, she keeps going under on her own way. Never got to have a nice boyfriend, they all were idiots, looking only for one night stands. The people you get to learn in night life are mostly 'bad' people, so i didnt even make friends during these 3 years of my life. Decided to leave everything behind me and start all over again. Tried to get hired by an airline as a flight attendant and i made it! I already fly more than a year, getting to know the world for free. But this is a job full of loneliness, you travel everytime with another crew, you never get to know anyone. You have one night stands once in a while but people in this job dont care for a relationship. Its our job i guess. After a year in a foreign country im all alone, the only thing is that i travel but believe me, cities and countries all began to look the same. I have no base to return to, and where i am doesnt feel like home at all. I feel really alone in this world. Having nowhere to go or nobody to talk to. It just sucks! I guess we are all somehow responsible for our troubles, lets not blame life or the way other people treated us... But i really feel unable to be happy. Like someone cursed me 4 years ago and since then i just keep on falling as a human, as a soul. Thanks for reading this till the end!


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New Comment

By anonymous at 01,May,11 15:49

You are smart at least. I can see it in your writing style. Life is hard and I hate nightlife. I will lock the doors and sleep at 9:00 pm on Saturday nights. I don't care what people say. Give me sunlight!

By at 04,May,11 18:15

With a dad like that, forget about him. With a mom that did not try to stop the decision made by your dad alone, fuck her. Especially for such a stupid reason, its like him throwing you out for having brown eyes. Fucking ignorant asshole. I feel your pain on the loneliness part because I feel the same way, I am not gay but I feel your pain. I am in that type of a situation ATM but, I guess I am lucky to have parents that care somewhat about me. But even that doesn't help the loneliness.

You are wrong for thinking that you are to blame for your troubles as I can clearly see it is your dads fault for being such a prick. I almost typed "go kill him for ruining your life" but that isn't right, hate is never good, ALWAYS bad consequences. There is no such thing as curses or God or any magical shit you can think of.

Don't bother with that crap, it will never get you anywhere. Sorry I don't have advice on the loneliness part but, if you figure something out, I would love to know.

About anything.

By anonymous at 03,Aug,11 03:20

I feel for you. I don't have your situation, but feel for you.


By anonymous at 29,Dec,11 22:15

see the brightside, at least you have traveled around the world :D

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