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Giving up

Posted by anonymous at April 12, 2011
Tags: Addictions  2011 April  Childhood  Loneliness

I know there's something wrong with me. I must be retarded or autistic or borderline or something because I feel so different from everyone else. Life sucks and god and everyone else in the world most certainly hate me with a fiery passion. Had a horrible childhood with a pedophile for a father and developed depression at a young age, which led to the chronic use of marijuana, alcohol and sex by age 16. A few years later when I was 19 there was a short period when I involuntarily went sober from all substances and this is when I underwent a brief psychotic episode where I ended up slitting my wrists and scarring myself for life. Afterward I was so ashamed that I felt I didn't deserve to live, and so I bought a gun thinking I'd blow my brains out, but at the last second realized I still had a small amount of money left so I thought I'd gamble what little I had left playing poker so I could have the luxury of dying penniless.

Sadly my initial plan was thwarted as I won back to back to back tournaments and now I've never been richer and have all the weed and alcohol I could ask for. I'm still miserable and depressed and incapable of developing a meaningful relationship with anyone, but at the same time I don't know what it is that I need to make things better. I would ask for help but lets face it... Friends, family and professionals are all so fucking useless! The only person you can depend on is you.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
I'm giving up, God help me. November 6, 2010
To all the altruistic people out there, start being selfish July 10, 2012
depressed February 16, 2012
i hate my life March 13, 2011
Living Nightmare January 6, 2011



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 22,Apr,11 16:24

Life could be worse. At least u have money and got to play poker. What a grand game. U could have got a place with someone only to lose job day after moving in. Getting license suspended a week later. Getting dumped another week later and 2 weeks after that get court papers regarding an incident that happened 4 yrs ago that can send you to prison for a couple years. At least you would have the money for a good lawyer, and be able to drive to see him/her


By anonymous at 22,Apr,11 23:02

Crazy Life>>> La Vida Loca... I'v been on board myself..... Never can get that Happiness and when you think you got it..... Shit...... I Dunno..... Alway's looking for that small ounce of hope.... I think it is running out.......... Never did drugs... No sexual abuse.... The hubby drove me crazy for years with drinking and drugs... but quit... Yeeppie... You think I could be happy???? Dunno....... I think Money is the problem.... But when I got it doesn't really hit the spot... Seems I need a MEGA amount to surfice my needs..... Crying don't help..... Laughing only last awhile... Then he crazy thoughts kick in again.. I don't like drugs or alochol... Church has helped. But I get depressed thinking I HAVE to go........ What UP??????? My family slipped away... No one visits anymore..... Everyone stays in there only area... You would think with all the technology everyone would communicate more offen? What UP??? Feels like Satan drags me around and lets me have a glimmer of hope than back down............... What UP?


By anonymous at 26,Apr,11 14:00

"The only person you can depend on is you."
Exactly, and now you've got a second chance. What are you waiting for?


By anonymous at 28,May,11 00:06

Fuck everyone who thinks your behavior is wrong.Just dont harm anyone who hasn't had a sip of the bitter shit you did.Hold your head high you are one of the true heroes of this fucked up planet.You survived!


By anonymous at 12,Oct,11 20:56

HAHAHAHA!!!! My nigga


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