LIFE SUCKS

born loser

I started realizing I was not normal sexually in junior high especially, my thoughts and compulsive fantasies were private and harmless. I started catching on that it was normal for boys my age (and even younger) to be really into cleavage and boobs and get turned on by stuff like that but I never did I thought that everyone was faking because I felt normal, just not interested at all. I even tried to watch as much soft core porn as I could trying to stimulate myself but nothing.
When the lines between gay and straight were drawn, I did not have my answer because I knew I always liked girls and was nervous around them. I knew I wasnt gay because I dont get off on men. I was more than convinced I was not gay, but liked girls. But normal turn ons like nudity just never got me going. I always knew that keeping my fetishes was a good idea to keep secret even when I was young, but can you imagine being the only one who gets turned on by the idea of women wearing ties, mixed with BDSM? Its hard to stay sane when what I was born with the kind of desires that 99% of people dont share. I couldnt chase girls because the typical hot girl would never truly get me horny. Ive had very few sexual experiences in my 23 years of age simply because I knew the reward was never coming. MY fetishes scare girls away. My guilt about being one of those true weirdos took over. I would explore my fetishes privately doing things no-one would be proud of.
The fact that I was never able to properly be satisfied sexually with another women has greatly shattered my life. a healthy 23 year old should have more to his name than this. They have held me back. And now especially in the last 6-8 months my sex drive is almost gone. The thought of being in a relationship went from making me excited to sad and depressed to feeling nothing at all.
I wouldn't wish my life on anyone so Im not having kids.
p.s. Im numb now. I cant stay bitter anymore.