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Posted by amy at January 16, 2011
Tags: Attitude  Bad Luck  2011 January  Money  Violence

I always thought I had a bright future. My parents and everyone around me was always telling me how beautiful, intelligent and gifted I was. I went to a private college to study art and design, I thought I was going in a good direction and would be successful - but I wasn't happy. I was anxious all the time. I worked sooo hard that I was wearing myself out. Then during my junior year I was raped by two guys at a party. My life came undone.

I tried to continue school- but it wasn't the same. I couldn't be the perfect student I had been before. I struggled with guilt, inadequacy and depression. I started cutting myself. All of the networking I had done in the design industry had gone to waste- I lost interest. I started focusing more on fine art, thinking that the tragedy had inspired me somehow. I made some headway and I graduated somehow, but had not made any lasting friendships in school and was lonely and confused. That was in May.

Now, I am working part time at a book store making no money. I have huge amounts of debt due to my private school loans, and medical bills from breaking my leg while I had no insurance. I feel like such a failure. I still cut myself and and I am so depressed, but I try to put on a good front and seem happy. My boyfriend moved to another city... I am trying to move there, so I am looking for a job there, but have not had much luck. I have no friends where I am now, and no life. I'm worried that my boyfriend will get fed up and break up with me. If that happened, I would truly have nothing and no one in this world. I feel stuck. I don't know what to do. I keep trying. It has to get better right?


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Comments:
By anonymous at 07,Feb,11 18:07

I recommend you go see a doctor that specializes in PTSD. Don't let the people who raped you control your future.


By anonymous at 07,Feb,11 21:37

I'm sorry to hear about the rape. Those men should have their dicks cut off. It's horrible. I agree about seeing a shrink, although it will put you in further debt. You should find something you love to do. Maybe you could help other rape victims somehow. Don't worry about the debt, just live your life the best you can.


By anonymous at 07,Feb,11 21:54

I think you need a creative outlet as well as emotional support for what you went through. I think you are trying to cope with best you can, but perhaps seeing a psychologist specializing in this area might help. Once you are on the right mental footing, it will be easier to translate your art degree into a reward profession.


By anonymous at 08,Feb,11 07:46

if you think that there is a "bright future". there is no such thing. "the future" doesnt exist. All we have is the now. if you have a bad now, than its the way it is. You can be happy now instead of waiting for a future that will never come.


By anonymous at 09,Feb,11 04:10

Hmmm in a party ?!! So you went with them ? or did they just rape you in front of everybody else ! It's not really a rape if u went with them u know ? Wew whatever
By anonymous at 10,Feb,11 17:58

Rape is rape whether she went with them or not. If she was forced it's rape. It doesn't matter if she know them either most rape victims are raped by people they know. Goddamn you're an idiot.
By anonymous at 14,Feb,11 07:46 Fold Up

What a stupid vile piece of shit this original commentor is!


By Deanna at 08,Mar,11 15:15

I was rape myself that is the worse thing to happen to a woman. When i moved toa diffrent city I got at the Honda trnasmission plant where Make trnsmissions for Honda cars SUVs and vans. Check and see if there is a plant there that neds workers I 15 an hour. % days a week which is 40 hours Report in by 9 and get at 5 te then second shift starts and a midnight is the night shift which 12 to7 AM I work the 9 to 5 shift.
By anonymous at 16,Mar,11 16:17

what is this. LMFAO


By anonymous at 22,Oct,11 04:09

I'm touched by your story. I can't exactly relate to your experiences of being raped, but I understand your self-loathing.

Take heart in yourself. Protect yourself, love yourself, because you are your own true champion. You sound beautiful, and hurt.

Life always has bends and loops and shitstorms to weather. If I've learned anything, it's that there is always something new; always some way to grow. Always someone new to meet, always something beautiful to do or see.

Don't give up. Don't give in. You are a wondrous person. Life is too important. Try your best, love and be loved, eat delicious food. Grow.


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