On the outside, people think I'm strong and attractive and brave. I have friends and family who love me. I have a job and a house. On the inside, I am rotten and disgusting and I loathe myself so much I can't stand to be alone with myself. I can't keep a relationship together, have just ruined my latest one by unleashing my revolting, violent temper on my partner of 6 months. I hit him in the head and threw a glass at him and he threw me against a wall several times. I deserved it. He should have punched me in the face. I'm covered in bruises and grazes and he's left and will never speak to me again. This is the 7th relationship I have ruined through my rage, my anxiety, my neediness, my intolerance. They all love me in the beginning but they all run away from me in the end. Even this guy, who was kind of an asshole and had drinking problems (but I adored him). I'm broke and am so useless I can't pay my bills. Last night I dreamt I lived in a homeless shelter and I probably will be soon. I wish someone would top me - I'm so cowardly I can't even do it myself. I'm smoking a gazillion ciagerettes a day and making myself the ugly crone I know I am inside. What a useless piece of shit I am - happiness lands in my lap and I screw it all up, over and over and over again. I'm so pathetic I can't even be happy with all the things I have been given in life. At times I know that people can't be around me because the self-loathing is so strong they can smell it. I feel like at the moment people are staring at my because they know I'm so disgusting and there's something wrong with me. Jesus Christ I wish I would die. | |
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