I don't really know where everything started. I have amazing parents that always worked hard to give me anything, and even though I'm married and in my twenties they still are always there to help me.
I was raised in an extremely religious home, but no the kind where I wasn't allowed to watch television or wear jeans. Just the kind that truly believed in God and worshipped full heartedly.
I have always been shy. That's pretty much the common factor of my make up. Oh her, she's really quiet. But I have always felt that isn't me. I never long for solitude but I always have it, because people assume I just want to be alone, because I never say anything. ever.
The thought of talking to stranger on a whim, causes my lungs to close up. I have such crippling anxiety to even do something as simple as answer the phone. The idea of not knowing who is on the other end, and what they have to say terrifies me.
I've lost friends, and been told I'm a rude bitch because I never say anything.
Overtime though, I've been able to grow passed it and at least be able to talk to strangers at minimal for my job's sake.
I spend a good portion of my teenage years alone. I was just afraid that everyone thought I was strange. and they were talking about me. I got picked on a lot. Spit on, had things stolen.
I have this thing that when I see people talking and if they look at me. I KNOW BEYOND ANY REASON THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT ME. and in my crazy logic I make up things that they are saying. Like...She's so fat, or stupid. what's wrong with her? Things that literally drive me crazy.
But throughtout all that I managed to find a boyfriend in highschool. A good one too. He was great. he was sort of strange, but everyone generally liked him. He was a nice guy. We dated for almost three years. I never thought I would ever open myself up to anyone. And I did to him. I told him everything about me. I told him how i felt and he accepted everything. I stayed here to go to college with him because he couldn't get into any colleges I did.
He broke up with me three weeks before classes started.
He told me he didn't love me anymore. that I was too complicated for him and that he couldn't see himself staying with me.
I've never in my life felt so alone.
I was sure he was the one person for me.
He's not. now.
So I stayed here. I went to college here. I had to see him everyday.
but I met a new guy. A great guy. Who was just as broken as I was.
He had an insane family, that treated him like shit. He was on medication for anxiety and depression. and he just wanted someone to understand him like I did.
I married him a year and a half later. I failed out of college.
I got a job. a job i liked. We were so happy together. then live started getting hard.
We ended up moving in with his parents to save money. I had been feeling better. I wasn't as sad, I didnt' have anxiety attacks anymore for no reason. and everything was going to be okay we were going to live some where we loved after we saved enough money.
Everything went to shit in a month. I was depressed because I was unhappy. I was constantly bothered for money from them, and bothered because at the end I wouldn't come out of my room. We were failing. More and more debt piled up. I failed my classes again. My job wasn't ever going to promote me. or give me full time hours ever. so I had to find something I hated. We were no longer going to be moving to our city. like he promised.
We started arguing alot. I started to go crazy. I started hating his family. I started to hate him for making me live there. I thought he was supposed to make me happy and I wasn't.
I was so depressed I would just sleep all day. I didn't eat anything. I would just go to work and come home. I think he started to hate me. He never looks at me the same. He always is angry.
We finally got out of there and things were looking up. and then I got pregnant. Everything was great. I was so excited. and one day i was at that job I hate and I started bleeding and twelve hours later my baby was gone.
We were just staying up all night picking out names. and talking about day care. and the next night i was in the ER holding my baby in my hands in a piece of toliet paper.
I never knew how it felt to be lonely before.
I always thought I was lonely. Without friends around me. like alot of them. or when my boyfriend dumped me.
I never was truly alone until my baby didn't have a heart beat anymore.
I don't think my husband dealt with it properly.
I don't think he can.
He just seems annoyed with me if i bring it up now.
or just angry.
Sometimes I don't think we'll make it.
I had always thought about killing myself when I was younger.
I never would have. It never seemed like something I could do.
The scariest part of growing up is that now that life is so sad, and life is so hard.
I think I'd do it in a heart beat. Just so I didn't have to feel like this anymore.
I don't believe in god anymore. I don't believe in anything.
I'm just wandering around the earth with no direction.
So what's the point? | |
As difficult as this is, it may be for the best that your baby did not survive. Are you really in a secure, stable situation to raise a child? Having a baby would not have solved your financial, marital, or your own internal issues... it would have exacerbated all of them.
I can say the above because I was in a similar situation as yours (different structure, characters, and location) and I did have two girls... but I had to leave my psycho-husband and because of money and fear I left my girls with him. It would have been better not to have kids in this scenario. No matter what happens, I get to see them grow up to marry men similar to their father. Yikes! Even if I get custody in the near future, I can't avoid that very likely reality... and I can't avoid him anytime soon either. :( Fix your money and your marriage, then reconsider the baby question. You might investigate the reason for the miscarriage, because the knowledge will give you a goal to work towards: adoption or a more supportive/less stressful environment
It really isn't the end of the world if your marriage ends. it sounds to me like you cut your own potential short for a man, maybe twice. Figure out your priorities and the best way to focus on them given your circumstances.
email me at vbechtel@kent.edu if you'd like to talk.
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