It took me essentially my entire life, until maybe a year ago after an incident I'll get to, to realize that no one ever loved me and that I have misinterpreted quite literally every situation in my life, success or failure it does not matter.
My shyness as a child manifested itself, or became manifest because of, into terrible anxiety that has afflicted every attempted relationship I've had since I can recall. My normalization to socialization was severely hampered due to the fact that my parents are terrible alcoholics that had nothing to supercede that fact. I spent extremely unhealthy amounts of time alone reading and playing video games. This basically went along without a hitch until I was 19 and went to college. Nearly no long term friendships or relationships because I wanted to be alone to relieve my mind and to escape the constant drunkenness and hostility that always creates (then the void of solitude when said drunks pass out, after another day of having not cared or listened to you at all).
There's nothing to mention about college other than I wanted desperately to make friends and maybe actually get that mythical girlfriend creature I've heard so much about. The one good thing that happened is that even though I smoked cigs and drank heavily for two years, I have since quit both of those things and only smoke/vape/eat weed. It is far better and I simply hate alcohol due to my worthless parents. All I ever did was study and get too drunk to ever do anything productive. It was simply an easy way for me to escape and all that supposed boldness that wells up in oneself after consuming a lot of alcohol never occurred for me, I simply was able to use it as an excuse to find more excuses. Just like my parents.
Eventually after I got my degree, I simply wanted to escape my situation and I tried to join the navy. No reason other than to get the hell out of my life and start over basically. Only problem is is that even though I passed all the tests before I signed up, all the tests during meps, and the tests before I got on the plane (another clinic right before I boarded even); I was terribly fucked over by the long arm of the law. When I was at boot camp they said I failed their csi miami style molecular hadron collided analysis and discovered an illicit plant in it that required my immediate termination from civil society. I was sent to the brig for six months. It's funny now in retrospect, at the time, not so much.
That was the incident. I finally got out of prison and had nothing and nowhere to go. I had a duffelbag full of some changes of clothes, a pack of smokes, the clothes I was wearing, and the entire world at my fingertips. Wandering around lonely isn't that great and I quickly hopped from bar to bar milking the fact that everyone thought I was in the military. Not a single person questioned it. I simply said that I was on leave and wanted to get fucked up. Everyone bought it.
I learned that I was capable of a lot of things, but that it all stemmed from the fact that I was not being myself. I had to lie. I did that a lot. I have always been anxious, depressed, lonely, and a liar. I also learned however that people are just as frail but able to cope far better than I can. I am actually incredibly weak compared to the rest of the world, but when I am in disguise I am able to feel normal and damn did it feel good.
I made it back home about a year ago and it was like nothing happened. My folks never said they were disappointed, never asked what happened, or even joked about dropping the soap, nothing. It's taken me this year to realize my entire life has been just so purposeless and terrible for many reasons that are not my fault, but for many that are as well.
Now I am terribly lonely with no more chemicals to mask my delusions. I am not interested in the invisible kind as well because my aunt is a nun and she's never been around. Family my ass, it's always doing whoever has the cleanest robe on in the room's work. I just want what so many take for granted and then tell me it's wonderful that I've never experienced.
I am working on myself and this helps. I'm sure it gives many a laugh, but I know there are virgins my age and older out there, hopefully most aren't just traumatized children trying to grow up too late like myself.
The only thing I can change is myself. The only one I can help is myself.
The only one I can potentially love is myself. So, I started doing it.
It would be beyond comprehension though to be able to experience that with a woman that loves me, but I am so broken that I'm not worthy. Someday if I ever resemble a man I might get lucky, but until then it is simply whatever. I am barely even able to hold still when an attractive girl is even near me. All the women I've ever known are cold and twist in the wind so quickly to make ones head spin. I wouldn't even know what to do with a normal woman even if I could actually not have a panic attack.
Perhaps if I had had any semblance of help or care or interest in my life, even from myself, I could have gotten some help. It is now too late.
I simply have to let it all go.
I'd rather have nothing, again, then just pain over and over again.
At least new pain is exciting. I'm tired of being afraid. | |
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