LIFE SUCKS

Unmedicated Confusion

Ok i know im only eighteen but that shouldnt determine the degree of suckinees of my life. im bipolar, anemic, depressed(near Suicidle) lonely and i have arthiritis. if thats not enough i have gravely sick mother and my dad passed almost 2 years ago. i just graduated hs with only a 2.0 and i dont have any idea what i wanna do w/my life. when i think of the beginning of my life i think of how my mom risked her life giving birth to me in the first place. doctors told her giving birth to me would cause her to get really sick. she was diagnosed with myasthenia gravis when i was born. i sort of feel like its my duty to take care of her forever. if i dont worry abt. her i feel so guilty. so it limits me to actually enjoy anything without b/c i'll feel bad abt. it later. my dad died so unexpectedly. just one morning i woke up and was told he was gone. he had a heart attack at his job. it sucks because i never fully mourned his death. i completly aviod thinking about him too much. the smell of anything that reminds me of him makes me nauses, and i want to puke. i was not that close to him and i regret it. i miss him so much and nothings the same. i go back in forth btwn hating everyone, even people i dont know, to just getting by for a moment. thats bipolar though. i cant figure out who or what i am. i feel soo evil sometimes and i figure it would've been better if i wasnt born. i punched my sister in the face a couple a weeks ago for no reason and i still feel so sorry. i cant understand me and niether can anyone else. im lonely because of it. i have no social life because im too weird. boys dont like me cause.... i gues im not attractive and i never saw myself as ugly b4. i've never had a boyfriend. whatever. i constantly feel physical and emotional pain. i sleep so irregularly. most nights only 3-4 hours of sleep and other days i can sleep the whole day away. when i wake my eyes are so red. during the day if its not a migrane its dizziness. im not of drinking age so theres not much to numb the pain but pills. this might be resorting to some addiction but i dnt care. i dont have the guts to kill myself i wish i did. im an acctive wrist cutter. i cant even get myself to stop. i love seeing the come out, if heres no blood its no good. afterwards i feel so down. its like a high, a MY only high. i hate the way the world is the way things are worsening. i feel hopeless. everone says im "too lax" but im really too ...too sad. i havent been self motivated to do anthing since i was 14. i feel like i cant do anything abt it . i just cant and i dont even know if i want to. i wish i was dead. i have anixieties abt. people. im a social phobic at times, i hardly trust anyone either. i dont even no where to start w/ my life. i feel like im just waiting to die. maybe i am, but its taking to long.everthing i say and do hurts the ones i love most. WHY? this wont be the saddest story you'll read but its mine. and no ones life is ever any better or worse than the next persons. someones life is always worse than yours and that sucks about life. we cant always change what we have. im confused abt. my life and the world but im hopless. not much i understand abt. life and how to make more of it for me, not when im feelin like this. it feels like no degree of medicine can help. there is no help. im.......unmedicatedly confused. (thanks for reading)