Three months ago I got arrested because of an ex boyfriend. now i have charges pending me for a class b misdemeanor and a felony. class b okay that's not so bad right? felony...alright that's a bit shittier....but its my fault right...i made the decision to give in to peer pressure...right? okay so thats how life is, whatever fuck it...i'm stronger than that shit. unfortunatly I'm living at home in attempts to please my parents and help ease their move in to their new home. Not so bad right? I get to be with my family, im fed, im not homeless. okay thats cool. But when you take a very depressed female and you take away every connection with the outside world...her only pick me up in coping with this shitty situation she's gotten herself in to...well she tends to start falling apart at the seems. on top of all of this, my mother constantly reminding me i'm probably going to jail for two years...that or rehab which okay whatever its the consequence to my shitty drunken do whatever the fuck you want decision. I was raped not long ago, this is plaguing me....remembering my "friend" forcing me, ripping out of duct tape hand restraints multiple times, having a glass tube shoved up my ass, having a lighter burned in to my tummy and a knife constantly slide across my abdomen. that is a hard truth to swallow. I'm no drug addict btw, i enjoy them, but i could give them up in a heart beat...like i have. unfortunately its the people i "run with" that bring me around them. no i've got no one to run with, no one to fuck, no freedom what so ever. my only way of coping with the mind numbing pain i am feeling right now is to take the childish route and cut. like a fucking child i'm cutting just to feel something. I'm wearing this mask, trying to pull straight a's when my whole body feels as if its about to shut down and stop working. I know things are so much worse for other people but this nightmare i've gotten myself in to, this allowing my mother to be big brother and play 1984 on my ass, this crippling numbness i'm feeling...its a bit much....well i suppose this is more a rant than anything else...just a way to vent without actually having to talk to one of the only outlets i have at the moment...my tyrant caring parents or my 13 year old brother who is my only friend at the moment.