LIFE SUCKS

Fuck Life

I am 21 year old male from Maryland in college who gets fucked over in life in every aspect you can think of. I am surprised i am even still alive at this point because everyday i have lived for the past few years i have felt like i could die at any second and that either way i dont see myself making it past 30 years old. Somehow i made it to college but i am a year behind because i have failed at least one class each semester and have changed my major to basically about anything but have no desire in any of it because i suck at ever subject.Everything i touch i break or fuck up in some way shape or form and it just makes people angry which is one reason i keep my distance. MY attitude and way of thinking is horrible and extremely negative as you can see because everything i have been through. The only jobs i ever got were minimum wage and the only reason i got them was because my parents knew someone. I drink a lot, smoke a lot of marijuana, and take aderrall for my disorder to relieve the pain as well. I feel like everyone has someone to turn to but me. Everywhere i go and most of the things i do are alone unless it is with family which i rarely spend time with. I can honestly say i have been depressed for at least 90% of my life because nothing gets better no matter how hard i try. MY parents got divorced when i was young and always had to move and live in bad areas growing up in the ghetto as a caucasion was not easy. By 17 i was kicked out of my moms house and was only able to see her once a month after that.Majority of my grandparents had died already before i was born so i barely have any family as it is. Speaking of family, my dad ruined my life after college when i got accepted to my dream school and wouldnt let me fucking go because he wanted me to stay in the state which was the worst decision probably ever made in my life which we constantly fight over everyday along with other problems my dad is extremely abusive and we fight in every single conversation we have over dumb shit. When i moved out i moved into the most ghetto area in town with guys i thought were trustworthy who put me through absolute hell for a year. When i talk about the roommates you could probably have, well, i had them. They did crack, cocaine, marijuana, acid, extacy, basically everything but heroin and stayed up all night being lunatics. Punching holes in walls, busting down my door, fucking with me in my sleep, made me clean their shit, sold drugs in our apartment, snorted coke in the living room, bought a cat they didnt even take care of that shit in my room daily, stole my shit with out asking including my clothes out of my laundry and worst of all had to pay 500 bucks back for my security deposit for everything that they did not me! But now the more im alone the more i think about how shitty life is and how i am going absolutely nowhere fast. I think about all the crazy shit that happens in the world and i write lyrics about it and hopefully as meaningful as they are they can be purposeful to someone because everyday i wake up and go through the day i am reminded what a piece of shit i am and how i don't have any purpose on this planet. My brother is 17 and my best friend and is now on pills heading down the wrong path and obsessed with drugs and will not listen to me because obviously he no longer sees me as a role model. My roommate, my other best friend has a girlfriend now and is fuckin whipped like a bitch on that shit obssessed spending every little second with this stupid whore who is going to grad school far away after this year thankfully which will never work out, but nevertheless i never get to have the good times i had with him back in the day when he was a bro and actually single not drooling over some fucking slam piece. At the college i go to now i havent met anyone worth being friends with because their all drug heads or in some sort of click which they dont want me to be a part of. Moving on, I suck at everything i do and people think i am a joke having no other friends except a few i use to play sports with in high school. I have never had a girlfriend except once and that only lasted 2 months until she realized how lame i was. Every other girl i attempted to have a partnership with always stopped talking to me after the first time we hung out no matter how good things went, it was never good enough. I have stomach problems like acid reflux everyday and never have an appetite. I have add and can never concentrate, suffer depression, never get any sleep, i have asthma, bad anxiety, never have energy or motivation to do anything. I force myself to do everything i have to do because i like nothing about life. I am methodist but lost touch in religion because it honestly never did anything for me. That shit is just for people who want to believe in something to feel better about themselves, well i got news for you that shit doesn't work because its fake.If god was real he wouldn't make peoples lives so shitty like the Africans starving in Africa. I wake up feeling like absolute shit everyday for no reason throwing up every morning and yet the only thing that makes me happy are drugs. At this point i feel like the only way i would die happy is on drugs and to overdose because then at least i would feel somewhat decent about myself and have the confidence i was never able to receive in my life. As you can see i sound like a fucking lunatic and am pretty much going crazy with all this stress from school and the negative lifestyle i am living. The main reason is because i have one of the worst lives i know of from such a good SES class that i come from. I could go on and on but i feel like half the people reading this wont read this far anyway and there wouldnt be enough pages to talk about how shitty my life is. Anyway i hoped you enjoyed my post because i know i sure as hell didnt.