hi everyone, I am writing this to give myself and others hope. perhaps with my story i can rub some determination and hope to you all and by writing this down i can create something like a closure to my problems. warning, it is a long story.
it all started with my family,friends and environment. family first.. dad was really not the talking kind. he would come home and go to work never really bothering about me. now in retrospect, im in my twenties by the way, he should have engaged me. encouraged me to go out and do sports, join something. talk about my life. my thoughts emotions etc. should helped me to grow my thoughts. but that is an ideal case. all he was to me was really just a money bag. he did do something good thou, he provided a decent university education out of his own pocket. on my part,i did try to communicate but really nothing much really changed. there is already this divide between us, this void. he is more like a shadow i need to say hi to and small talk to. its difficult to share.
mother.. she was more like a traditional housewife than anything else. she gave me food to eat. thats pretty much it and transportation to where i want to go. but thank god, i guess because she is a female, she was alot more open so eventually when i was in year 2 in university our relationship got better. there was more talk and sharing. this happened cause i wanted it to work out. i didnt want a stagnant family and life..
besides the neglect there was sheltering as well. for example , in my 1st year i so badly wanted to go out of the house, get my own place and explore life. didnt happen because my parents did not agree to it. they said it was too expansive.. but they could send me off overseas later to study for 2 years which did not make sense to me. like i said. my plus points in my life was my formal education. everything else was negative. yea, i should mention that in my country the education system was really more about memorizing and spitting out in the tests so that didnt really help much, it was just necessary to get into college. university was different thou. and yes, i didnt know i could work part time...
the neglect and sheltering did alot of damage to me, my ability to function as a person was shit.the world was a void. till now i havent really had someone i could call a friend or a girlfriend. yes i am still not in any good relationship. the mental,emotional and physical confusion and inaction had chain effects. first, throughout primary and high school, i got bullied. there was racism, name calling, physical bullying and people didnt really bother about me. i couldnt carry a proper conversation. people didnt see me as someone to be friends with. at that time in my life i wasnt really aware that i was actually in am unhealthy environment. i didnt have anyone i could turn to, i didnt know i could turn to people. i was left on my own. i developed my own coping mechanisms. i created my own friend unknowingly.=) . i could list more and more of situations of bullying and neglect etc. but it will be too long. so many times i have thought of jumping off a building,letting the wind blow through my hair as everything ends as i splat on the ground. i didnt know that this was actually a problem. i thought i was fine in my own little world. then
college. despite the pains i was able to pull through and do something about my results, dont know how i survived that phase in life with some decent results, must be the coping mechanisms. but there was some set backs now too. because of my ignorance and lack of friends, the chain reactions, i missed so many scholarship and other opportunities i could apply for. you have no idea how painful it was when people around me was asking if they applied for it and I asked applied for what? the fact that there was something like that and i didnt know about it was plain stupid. i was so stupid that the whole concept of scholarship was new to me. i was like what is a scholarship? that and some other instances like that awoken me to this thing called life. too bad it was towards the end of my college when that happened. i did make a good friend thou, i guess he was able to see through my behaviors thats why he gave a shit, even so it was more of an arm length friend. college was decent but my life at that stage could have accelerated to something else entirely if i knew what i know now. it was a period where i learnt about resourcefulness and the information you can get from the internet besides things like runescape(those who have played it can relate) and porn. oh and porn was something i didnt watch until college. yeap i was so inside some world i didnt know porn. actually i hear people talk about it but it really didnt hit me in school. all this realization hit me so bad. i started thinking about jumping off building again. i used to go to the public toilet and cry. how can i be so stupid?
college actually just flew past before i could really make something out of myself. then came university. the first 2 year was crap, i was still lonely and stupid. i still dont know how to make friends yet. everything happened by chance. people around me was experiencing life and i didnt know how to do it. so i decided to learn how to use this thing they called brains. i started reflecting. i started seeing where i screwed up. what was wrong. this 2 years was really hard for me to keep myself strong as i reflect my pains, balancing uni and learning about my brains( which means things like analyzing, bodies of knowledge, synthesizing etc). i was more calmer now. just know that i needed to give myself time to let go and grow. i was engaging more in uni life now. eventually i was able to summarize from school till now all the mess i had. I have a book where i wrote down most of the things i can remember about my past. towards the end of my 2nd year i grew some amount of foundations in my life. i was more stable. i decided to address my other weakness, people. i started reading books like how to talk to anyone by leil lowndes ,the game by neil strauss and many others. 3rd year was still a little shaky. it was the time when i know what i needed to do and practice. i needed to bring all the knowledge together and practice it. i was still blurry and slow.
now in my final year, i have a much stronger heart and head than i was in school.still slightly slow in somethings but way much better than before. i am more aware of my surroundings and my future. the scars seems to be still there. cant believe i went through that shit.but time heals. still yet to practice whatever i have developed over the years. yet to get into a serious relationship. yet to experience life fully. cant wait to start working so that i have the money to be on my own to do all i want to do. even if i dont succeed fully i will still be amazed i was able to pull this through. after that intensive 3 years of introspection and reflections i was able to get better. just too bad i couldnt get his insight sooner.
i have omitted so much details which would probably made the story smoother. i was still pushed around during university as well especially in the early periods and so much more details,misguidance and stuff. in short, this 12 years of my life was about me getting more and more aware of myself and what i can do. just needed to give myself time to get stronger. develop an independent strength within. now im going to graduate and find work, hopefully i'll find some success/happiness. i wanted to tell you guys that you are stronger than you think you are. if you have to cry, cry. hate,hate. need to give yourself space to vent. then start growing. find what you suck at and change, find a direction in life. find that independence within and dont let the world get to you. get that maturity to have insights and hindsights.you are stronger than you think you are. sorry for the length of the story and good luck with your lifes. =). dont give up.
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