LIFE SUCKS

Lost in beer

To start off,
I am a skinny short 18 year old born and raised in Vancouver, Canada...however, looks have to be the least of my problems.
My problems began when my parents divorced before my age could even hit double digits. Before my mom divorced my dad, it was possibly the best time of my life and best time i ever will have had in my life. I had great friends and I lived it the most loving home i couldnt even have created. After the divorce, my mom took cared of me and my sister for the first 2 years after the split and i only saw my dad on weekends. After 2 years, my dad would ask me every now and then if i wanted to move in with him. I declined politely each time with out a reason. Why did i decline? not because i prefered my mom over my dad i just dont think i could stand doing that to my mom who is a fragile person. After the divorce, most of the mutual friends sided with my dad and my mom didnt have many friends, even to this day. So i had to live with rejecting my dad like that over and over for most of my young teenage years. My personality and character changed for the worst as i became a lot more self conscious, stress and shy. Through out highschool, i smoked a lot of pot weekly and now i drink beer daily. I became antisocial and depressed person even though i am known to be a big joker and a happy person amongst everyone that gets to know me. i am a funny person and therefore can put on a good front however, inside i feel dead. I guess you can call me a phony in that way. Now last year, i finished highschool and my mom found a medical university that i would be able to go to in Poland (where my parent were from before they immigrated to canada). I was quite pressured to go by everyone and i gave in and went at the age of 17. However, a large blow that has scarred me greatly is that my last year of highschool i met my first love. My girlfriend of 1 1/2 years who i had to leave for school. We talked about living together forever. She came to visit me in Poland and i guess she began to see through me and the dark person that i really was. My first love and anyone who took the time to read this are the only people that ever saw me for who i really am. she left me while i was still deeply in love. After she left, i was in Poland alone with a broken heart and an unlimited amount of beer. I hit the liquor hard and still am. I failed 3 exams which i have to retake in september. I came back to vancouver and have the summer to study. While i have been here, i have been reminded of the depressing life of my loved father and mother. My father: lost his father around 15, got divorced to his love, his family was shattered, now lives alone, drinks hard, and has problems with health after many years of drinking. My mom: rich, no friends, has a new husband but is lonely and i don't see her living the life she ever wanted as she had childhood problems of her own that effected her. Me: small 18 year old, both my parents (the most important people in my life) have ruined their own which peirced me like a dagger, broken hearted still hooked on my first love after breaking up 1/2 year ago i still check the phone hoping she called, i cant study as i am extremely depressed (i am 25,000$dollars deep in med tuition already...there is no turning back), all my best of friends have moved on and not bothered to see me, and i sit alone im my room drinking and drinking with tears in my eyes. I am not a strong person and dont know how much more i can take. The only thing stopping me from taking my own life is my parents as i can not hurt them anymore than they have already been hurt as they do love me. I dont expect this to get published as i dont know who would bother with something this long however i had the urge to send this letter into the world. If i ever had any advice from my early experience it would be choose your spouse very wisely as if you are not 100 percent, your child may turn out just as troubled as me in the future if not worst. Wish the world love and peace to all. In a world where solidarity has changed into solitude, i wish you all the most of luck. From Canada with phony smile, Bob Smithers