LIFE SUCKS

If I'd had known this would be adulthood...

If I had known I'd be living the shittiest adulthood ever, I'd have killed myself as a teenager.

Let's start with that; my adopted younger sister literally got everything she ever wanted. Literally. I was kicked out of my house at 18 for the horrendous crime of having unwed sex--with the man I happened to marry six years later, incidentally--but now? It's totally okay for my mother to keep condoms on hand in the bathroom for my sister when she brings home whoever she wants to screw. Oh, and she lets my sister grow pot in the attic. So, yeah. Thanks for that, Mom. She's a catholic, republican lesbian, tangentially, so...it's really no wonder that I grew up scared and confused.

Moving on. I'm an educated woman with four degrees, and I work in a fucking grocery store because everything I apply to either says I'm overqualified with my bachelor's, or under-qualified because I don't have a master's or doctorate. I'm married. Do I still love him? Yes. Is he a douche? Um, yeah, he's male. We split our bills in half, and all mine get paid, on top of my student loans. We get notices for his bills ALL the time. Seriously, all the time. He's perfectly satisfied working some shitty job for $8.75 an hour because when bill collectors call him, he just turns off his phone. Because that will obviously solve the fucking problem. He never apologizes, not even when I have to pick up the slack for a three-month-behind bill. There's always some stupid, sophomoric excuse. I bust my ass so he can spend his paycheck on video games.

I hate my life. I literally pray every morning on my way to work that I get nailed by a tractor trailer. Don't tell me to leave my husband, we've been together for 11 years and I'm way too stuck in this rut of a failed existence to do that. Apparently I just fail at adulthood. I fucking suck at adult life, because all my growing up I was told that if I followed the perfect formula (stay in school, don't do drugs, graduate college, claim perfect life and amazing job as reward) then I'd have this charmed life with the job of my dreams and be able to do whatever I wanted. We all know that's bullshit though. We all know by now that's a lie. If I'd had known this would be adulthood, I'd have killed myself before I ever let it get to this point.