My mother used to say, "I'm tired of living." I never fully understood what she meant, but now I believe she meant "I'm tired of living THIS WAY." I'm not living, I'm merely existing. I am now in my second year of looking for a job since graduating from college. Work has always been a drudgery for me, I have never had a fulfilling job. Now my husband is probably going to lose his job, and it puts even more pressure on me. It's taking a toll on our marriage, which I'm shocked is still together. I've become more and more withdrawn, which doesn't help my situation either. The insurance company stopped paying for my therapy, so I don't even have that outlet. I don't like the way life is now. So many processes are impersonal and unfair. People just don't care. There are times when I wish I would die, just so I don't have to contend with it any longer. I have never been suicidal and would never put anyone else at risk either. I feel like an alien. I don't like the world the way it is now and I don't feel I belong in it. But what other choice do I have? Now I understand why mom said, "I'm tired of living." | |
grandchildren to visit me. I live alone and am very lonely. The only way I see my children and grandchildren, is, to visit them--by car-bus-plane-train and taxi! It doesn't bother my children at all that I have to travel to see them and my grandchildren. If I say one wrong word, they block my e-mail account and my telephone! Is there any reason that I am tired of living!
However, there is salvation in realizing that you are the only person you can count on, that everyone else, including friends, family and God, will let you down. There's serious relief in giving up all expectations...
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