Every day I wake up feels like another day of punishment. It has felt this way for lately and for a while - whether I thought of it that way or not. Where do I even begin...
Ok so, before the economy totally tanked I was very successful in my career. I was starting to pay off my student loans and any debt that I had from working 2 crappy jobs and putting myself through school full time. I had respect, my own office, and loved what I was doing. Then it got messed up (long story). I lost my studio office, most of my business, got into debt trying to save it, got stressed out, gained like 50-60lbs from being stressed out, etc etc.
Then I had to start doing physical labor - painting murals and rich peoples homes to make money - making a lot less than i was used to and pulling 12 hour days breathing in toxic paint etc. I was always dirty, felt unattractive and generally felt tired like I was dying every day. Eventually I burned myself out completely and hurt my back.
I was unable to work from Nov.2011 to now April 2012. I have run through any savings I had. I had to get on welfare, food stamps and other degrading programs. I got even fatter. I was a very proud person and now I feel like a slug. I am also filing for bankruptcy. I have about $300 to my name and then rent is due again soon... I wont have enough.
My back is sort of better. I quit smoking and I lost 30 lbs so far with a lot more weight left to lose. I need to be on antidepressants to get through my days and most days even thats not enough.
The only jobs I am finding are to wipe some old persons ass for $9 per hour or work the drive thru for $7. I would rather die than do these jobs. I am bored and tired most days. I am angry because I am really talented and unique at my real profession - but there are no jobs available right now - and they certainly arent paying what they used to when i get gigs here and there.
It is causing a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. He also lost his job and now has to work a degrading job for 25% of what he used to make. He hates his job. We have no money to do any thing. We cant even go out for drinks. Every day is boring and feels like punishment. If I dont make more money off of gigs this month I probably wont have my full half of the rent.
I dont spend a dime every day... on any thing. We've been going with out even simple things like razors or food that we actually prefer to eat cause its healthier (too expensive).
Im stressed out all the time. Im angry at the world and every body in it.
I dont see how we will ever afford to have a kid either because we cant even afford to live on our own right now.
My option is to move back with my parents. But, im 27 and find that completely degrading - more so than being on welfare. Its like some force is taking any self respect I have left.
I dont feel like a human being any more. I just feel like a waste of space. My talents are completely being wasted and nothing satisfies me any more.
Every day is a punishment. | |
Sweatheart- I can relate with you 100%. I live from paycheck to paycheck- wiping asses. It's the only work to find- since the majority of the population is between 65 and 100! I went to school for business and marketing- and now work an hourly job to pay my bills. I too go without. I never go out to eat. Period. I barely have enough money each week to pay my credit card debt, student loans, rent, utilities, ect...
My car windows have been broken for months- can't roll them down and don't have the money to fix them. I've gained weight stressing about how I am going to pay for everything. I need to exercise, but by the time I get home, I'm just hungry and tired. Luckily, my family has come to my rescue financially numerous times, but it's so embarrasing...
So, you know, I know how you feel...
All I can say, is have hope? At least you have a partner to split the bills. You do have a job- which is more than what most people have?
If moving in with your folks would take some burden off of your shoulders, then do it! Don't let pride get in the way of REALITY!
Snap into SURVIVAL mode- and do what it takes to make it through this recession/depression. And take heart in the fact that everyone- I mean everyone, is stressing financially!
You're not alone sister-
Be strong and try to stay positive. Embrace what you do have!
Cursed
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