when i was 17 i started smoking - i didnt smoke to be cool - i smoked incase i didnt have the guts to kill myself - i knew the ciggies would get me. At 18 i did try to kill myself - i took quite a few pills and drank a bit too. I didnt think i would wake up again, but i did - i got ill and was sick/vommiting for the next few hours. I used to cut myself - and it helped, it took away the frustration of hating myself so much for being so crap. it was something i could actually do. i put a cigarette out on the back of my hand and got a big scar - no one ever said anything - about any of this. maybe it was a cry for help. i had spots and would try to get rid of them by squeezing and picking them - i do have a bit of a brain, i have a degree - but even so i still squeezed and picked incessantly, it made it all worse [of course] but i couldn't see that, i dont know why - it seems obvious now - why did no one help - and thats the thing, why did no one help - people get helped - poor kids get help - bullies get help - disruptive kids get help - bullied kids get help - but i just wasn't worth helping. 39 now - im a lot better than i was - but im still shit, thats how bad i was - EVERY day is a struggle - i drink, i smoke, and that helps , i HATE being sober - your not alone. | |
r.
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