I'm now 16 and really struggling. I don't like feeling sorry for myself cause it makes me feel guilty so I rarely tell people how upset I am.
I was severely abused by my mother when I was a baby (as was my older sister) who would lock me in a cupboard when I cried, neglect my basic needs, make me audience to physical abuse by her directed to her partners and a constant victim of her erractic behaviour (due to her several severe hystrionic-related mental illnesses). I was analysed by one of the U.K's most well known child pyschologists, Dr Bentovin, and he was worried about the lack of emotion I expressed towards my mother and pretty much everything despite my young age.
My sister and I were eventually removed due to an incident in which my mother attempted to strangle her partner at the time and suffocate me by placing a pillow over my face (which she attempted several times).
I then went to live with my sister's grandparents (we have different dads). Due to how stressful and distressing my mum's effect had been on my dad, he chose to withdraw and refused to see me since I was 4. I grew up and became physically abusive towards my grandparents, often beating them when I was just 6 despite loving them. I was removed and put into care at 8, during which I tried to take my life.
A year later I returned to my grandparents and things improved. Now in high school, I have a large number of friends and was very happy for a while. However, my mother wormed her way back into my life and managed to manipulate me with a number of horrid lies (claiming to have cancer, saying that she was the one abused, etc.) due to which my mental health broke down. My sister now has a one year old son who my mother tried to kidnap and tried to hit. Since that incident, we haven't seen her (I love my newphew more than anything so that was the last straw). Despite all this, my mother has never been arrested or investigated by the police- only social services
Since then, I've been going to the doctors constantly for chronic insomnia and blackouts, as well as a growing aloof personality (uncaring, unresponsive to situations which usually demand emotional response). My dad just got into contact again which has made everything worse and I'm starting to worry about pushing my stress and worries on my friends. The oppurtunity for me to be perfectly happy was there, but the return of my mother has ruined everything.
I am due to be analysed again regarding the return of my obsession with revenge against my mother (which I had during early childhood) and I feel that my entire life so far has been completely ruined. My childhood and teenage years are almost over and I didn't get to enjoy any of it. The only hope in my life is my newphew, who I will do anything for in order to make him happy. But, due to his father's severe depression and his withdrawl from his life I'm worried.
At the moment I feel like things are hopeless. I'm not usually one to think negatively or feel sorry for myself but I'm starting to lose it. | |
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