I grew up a very shy kid in a small town. I was raised by a shy passive Vietnam vet dad and a religious overbearing somewhat domineering mom. Im a total Daddy's girl. My dad was my best friend, because I was a weird kid, i never fit in and I never had any real friends in school. My parents divorced when I was young, so, as a teen, I spent a lot of time alone, wishing I had friends. I played sports which allowed me to interact with teammates, but once the game was over I was alone again. I got below average grades, i was poor, unattractive, unpopular and all I had going for me was my athletic ability. Once The nightmare that was high school was over, I gave college a try, and I failed miserably.
As an adult I had a few good years in my 20's when I had a few friends, an ok relationship, a regular Job, a house that i shared with my friends, we had plenty of good times and laughs. I worked out a lot, so I was in great shape. I discovered a love for fashion and began designing clothes and costumes for myself and my friends. I was surrounded by people that support me being me. And i became happy with myself. For some reason I thought that I should travel and maybe move around a little. So I moved from the DC/Maryland to Ft. Lauderdale/Miami. My friends moved shortly after. We had a blast. People thought we were the coolest. We were getting into south beach clubs for free, never waited in line free drinks, it was awesome. Then I got into a new relationship with someone that demanded 200% of my attention. My friends hated the person, so they basically dropped me like a bad habit. With no friends, all I had was this soul-sucking relationship that I stayed in for way to long. When I finally had the balls to end it, I found my self poor, and alone. I quickly realized that my outgoing confident adventurous personality was just a product of being surrounded by people that thought I was awesome and supported me being weird and different because they were too.
As soon as I got back on my feet after the last break up I was so lonely, I started dating the first person that showed me a little attention. Now, I'm 35, I'm trapped in another relationship that I dont want to be in. We have almost nothing in common. They're overweight, Im fit. They sleep like the dead and snore loudly, I have insomnia. They hate everything I Love. We dont have sex. We rarely even speak to each other. They run a non-profit organization, so they do have a good heart. Unfortunately because it's a non-profit, I am the only source of income. I work a god-awful 9-5, uncreative, mundane, office job that I absolutely hate. I've wanted to quit for years. Im so miserable there everyday. But I can't quit because my significant other has convinced me that we need to buy a house, so I can have little studio and they can have an office to run their non-profit org, which was started and occasionally funded by my paycheck. So, I have to be a board member and I have to pay board dues every month. WTF? Currently, I'm waiting to close on a house that I don't want and will be paying for the rest of my life and I'll be sharing it with someone that, if we weren't in a relationship, I would NOT be friends with.
I went back to school and got a degree in fashion design which was a total waste of time and money, because I can't afford to quit my crappy day job or even take a pay cut to pursue my dream of a career in fashion, becuase im about to have a freakin Mortgage.
My dreams goals and soul have been crushed by all of the bad decisions I've made and by the people I let run my life because I'm a human door mat that can't so No. I'm so afraid of hurting someone's feelings, that I never stand up for what I want. I've have no self confidence so I can't really see myself being anything more than a lonely pathetic loser.
I contemplate suicide on a daily basis, but dont have the balls to do it, especially when I'm accused of being "so negative". I want to Kill people that tell me to count my blessings, at least I have food and shelter and a job. To which I usually respond with a very uncomfortable silence and deranged stare or a sincere "go f*ck yourself" or "eat sh*t and die". There is not one single aspect of my life that makes me happy. And when I do find something that makes me smile, it usually gets destroyed, or taken away, or ruined somehow. I've lost all hope for success or happiness. I know that I was never meant to be happy. Now Im just a bitter angry shell of a person, just going through the motions of life, wanting to get it over with. | |
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