I'm fourteen, I've been suffering with clinical depresstion for six years. I'm popular, I'm thin, I'm blonde, yet I want out, so bad. Every day it’s something new and it all keeps piling on until I’m on the verge of suffocation. If only they knew the weight on my bones, how close I am to collapsing every day. It’s sad, because the kind of help I need nobody can give. There’s only one certain way that all of this can be fixed. I’m so weak it’s funny. They tell you that the pills will make it better… But I don’t even know what’s wrong anymore. When you’ve been on dozens of Supressants, Stimulants, Antipsychotics… You really have no idea who you are without the pills. Obviously someone that society can’t handle. All the norepenephrin and dopamine pills in the world can’t end this. They can stifle it, but just the littlest things trigger it again. People are put off by my attitude… It’s absolute hell, living when you so badly don’t want to … Please, don’t ask me what’s wrong, because I myself do not know. Don’t ask if I’m ok, because I can’t remember a time when I was ok. I wish I wasn’t a fool. I wish I didn’t jump headfirst into everything, and always hit the bottom. I wish I could live up to everyone’s expectations, eminently my own. I want to make it through a single day without doing something I regret. I wish I could keep my imbecilic mouth shut. Soon I know the inevitable is going to happen, and it’s going to break me apart, tear my world down. I don’t even know how I’ve made it this far. How does one get rid of the evil in her life, when she herself is the demon. And then people treat me like I’m crazy. And I am. I don’t want to have these thoughts, can someone make them go away? People say that there are people out there much more worse off… but are there really? Aren’t we all kind of screwed to live in a world like this? and these feelings come out of nowhere. I’ll be having a great day and then all of a sudden I’m so upset I can’t move. My life is all hatred. I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate my life. I hate my friends. I hate my family. I hate boys. I hate school. I hate home. I hate everyone I know. Most of all I hate myself. The smallest things set me off, it confuses everyone. But it’s not that one thing that sets me off, it’s all of the pain I’ve had over the years. Suicide sounds like the best thing in the world. I want cyanide. But I don’t think I can kill myself. I’m not that selfish, I couldn’t hurt my friends and family like that. Ending my pain would just bring about more pain in the world. So I’d rather suffer in silence, about to faint from the pain, then to bring even an ounce of the pain I’m feeling onto the ones I love. But I wonder if I’ll always feel the same, that my pain is worth it…. wil it get worse? Will someday I be so far into this hole that I don’t even care about my loved ones? That the end of my suffering is worth the beginning of theirs? Why do I make so many mistakes…. Why do I make such an idiot out of myself? I don’t know how to respond to daily life situations and conversations. When I’m out in the world, I want to be home. When I’m at home, I want to be out in the world. Will anything ever be good enough for me? Will anything satisfy me? Will there be a single day where I don’t return home with a heart heavy of regrets? Will there be a day where I can say with no hesitation that I am truly happy? It kills me to look back at when I was just a happy, innocent girl. What went wrong? Why did I grow up to be an all around sinner in the eyes of the general public? Was I just born to lose, so others could succeed? This is why I cry so regularly. All the questions running through my thoughts. All the things I remember that I’d like so badly to forget. The terrible regret I feel constantly. The paranoia. People honestly don’t realize that I can’t deal with the same stresses they can. I got out of the mental institution a little over a month ago... how long until I'm shipped back, because my family can't deal with this..? | |
i also have things in life haunting me, im much older than you so i think ive seen and done much worse things... but now that i cant change it, and i want to live in peace, i have to make up for the things i did...
we are all born in this life to expierence things and learn. so maybe youre past the expierencing bar and its time to learn from your mistakes... i dunno.
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