LIFE SUCKS

One step forward, a thousand steps back

I am a very outgoing person. I love to make friends and have a good time. Im only 17. Im a teen and i just wanna have fun. I screwed up though. My parents use to always say what a good child and how proud they were of me....now, its the opposite. My friends would never know that im upset because i hide my family problems from them. I smile and laugh and carry on as if nothing's going on. They would never suspect that i was turning out to be a bad person.. i made a couple mistakes. They were big. I did stupid things to impress guys, did drugs, gave my virginity. I smoked weed and did pills to impress others, and because i wanted to try it. My dad found me the night i did pills. He said i almost died and he feels like a fool because he believed that i would never hurt him like that. My step-mom's mother has breast cancer so she feels that since i did pills, that i dont care about her or her mom. I lie. all. the. time. i dont even realize i do it half the time. But the difference is now i always get caught in my lies. its tearing my family apart. My parents dont trust me or let me do anything with friends. When i do, i have to lie about who im hanging out with. They dont trust me, they think im going to fail high school and go to jail. I am truly starting to feel as if there is no love anymore. Parents always say that they do the things they do for you because they love you.... i dont believe it anymore.. I cant run away, and i could never take my own life, not because im scared but because i would hate the effect that it would have on the ones i love. I do care, honest. I do wanna do better, honest. I just keep messing up. I dont think before i do. so..what do i do? Im tired of disappointing the ones i care about and im tired of going to bed crying. I feel so alone.