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Just feeling down right now, need to rant

Posted by anonymous at April 12, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Family  Loneliness

Hey everybody. I guess this is just a bad time for me and life doesn't suck per se, but here I go.

I am making a mess of my life. I have no real friends except a couple people that might be considered friends but we aren't that close and live in other countries (better than nothing, yeah, but still meh). I have a boyfriend who currently lives on the other side of the planet and I will only get to see in August for 3 weeks but never before that and it'll be months again after.
My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and I am her only caregiver currently. I am only 22 and trying to graduate from university but being a full time student, caregiver, long distance relationship lover, it is so hard to handle it all. I won't give up on any of these things, that'd be impossible for me to do, but it is just so hard to live life with no relief. I am trying to pursue some hobbies that will keep me sane in the little free time I have but I am so emotionally strained I can hardly keep up.

I feel my life is completely up to others and my wishes and desires don't matter at all. My boyfriend keeps trying to plan our move together though we both know it's in years and he has no ways of planning it out just yet. Plus he keeps taking jobs that won't allow him to easily visit me and will just pay for me to visit him instead, which is ok, but I just wish he could come over instead at times.

My mom used to be my best friend but now she is sick so everything is different, it's tough to take care of her alone. My brothers won't help that much since they are far too. She is depressed and I try to cheer her up but it's hard. Hard to deal with and hard to figure out how to help. She has a neurodegenerative disease after all so nothing is ever getting better for her.

I just needed to rant since I am so alone and have nobody I can talk to about this. Today I've just heard this friend of mine that lives near my boyfriend is finally moving in with her boyfriend in 8 months as her university allows her to finish school online. She is doing grad school and almost the same education as my boyfriend yet he has zero days off while she gets the chance to finish her education online and move in with her boyfriend. I know this is so wrong but I am so upset that I don't get that chance instead and that things are so much worse for me. I just wish for once something lucky happened to me, but maybe I am just overreacting because of all the stress accumulating.

Thanks for reading this, I know that this might not sound like a big deal to anyone but I guess when you're in it, it feels different.

Votes:

Similar Entries:
Kinda Lonely. March 25, 2012
sick of ramen, and student debt. March 17, 2011
Just Feeling Lonely And Need to Rant February 25, 2012
untitled story August 16, 2010
Just a nother rant! April 15, 2012


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Comments:
By anonymous at 13,Apr,12 00:48

The only help you need is for someone to help take care of your mother. Ask for a social service provider in your area, and I'm sure someone could help some how. Search online, you have time to find this place i'm sure you'll find some thing about social services. Then you can go to school and work, and your brother. Tell him to send you money for your mother for food and meds. It's his mother too! After all the years she takes care of him, and if he's a father. He should understand that given birth is hard for a mother. And he should like send some money to you so you can care, and work. Remember, you guys are a family! And I know it's hard for you to see your mother like that, but trust me, it's better to have her still alive now, then gone now. The more time you spend with her, the more memories you'll have once she's really gone. Cherish every moment. Life is short, but it don't suck!
By anonymous at 13,Apr,12 00:51

EDIT: Also, about your boyfriend. Once if you guys are really in love once he makes enough money, (tell him to save) and buy a house and you and your mother could move in with him. Transfer to a school near your new home, and you can start a new life with someone you love, you can hope that he'll help with caring for your mother, he'll be a wonder man if he does that. But if he says no then i say you should dump him or something. if he loves you he should love your mother like his own.


By anonymous at 13,Apr,12 04:15

you kinda stupid... stop clinging. If he ain't making a move than screw him. So many people are afraid of change and it becomes debilitating. Your mother will die. You and that 'boyfriend' will probably break up. Stop being so stupid and be selfish instead. if he's making that money and not seeing you there is a reason for it! Step away from your situation and take a look at your life. BE SELFISH!!!Screw everyone. When it comes down to it it's just you. Take care of your mom but i doubt your mom would want to see you like this... if you this dumb than maybe you should cling... if not than realize that it's your time and you need to stop basing decisions on hopes and dreams... dummy... smarten up... stupid


By anonymous at 15,Apr,12 03:43

Well let me start by saying im very sorry to hear about your mother.Thats a very tough situation to be in.Having no one to help or be there for emotional support.....wow.But id also say that for such a difficult situation,and at your young age,youre handling it very well.Im sure your mother is proud of you.You sound like a very strong and courageous person.To accept what is going on and not running or hiding from it,thats commendable

Oh as for the previous writer stating that your mom will die.


By anonymous at 15,Apr,12 04:02

Like i was saying above.your mon will eventuall die,we all will.The previous writer was also correct in talking about acceptance.But what the writer left out was to accept all impermanence.Just cause your mom is sick doesnt mean she wont live a long life.Theres an old sufi story about a doctor who gets a visit by two patients one night.One of them is an old man with stage 4 cancer,the other a young man.The doctor first opens up the old and see the cancer has spread throughout his whole body."oh well the doctot says,theres nothing we can do he'll be gone by tonight.Next he opens the young man up and repairs his ailment.Ok he says he'll be as good as new come morning.That night the young man passed away.the next morning the old man woke and was discharged and sent home.A year later there was knock at the door,it was the old man holding a basket of fruit."How is it possible your still alive",the doctor said.i had u o


By anonymous at 17,Apr,12 15:54

You can encounter Christ in a very powerful way, in the midst of feelings of isolation or loneliness. Looking at the crowds of people around you doesn't help, when you feel that no one truly cares for you.

The Psalmist cried out, "No man cares for my soul." [Psalm 142:4]. He was experiencing the loneliness of isolation from other people, and the feeling that those around him were pursuing their own interests rather than showing genuine concern for his soul.

People are often pursuing their own interests and desires, but the lesson we must learn is that people are not our source. In the midst of your isolation, you can turn to Christ and discover that His love truly does satisfy. Jesus understands loneliness and rejection. He experienced isolation from people. Because he understands, he is able to bring acceptance and love.

Christ brings you love, acceptance, and intimate communion with the God of love. With Christ, you are not alone. He conquers your loneliness by coming to dwell within you. Loneliness is removed by the presence of the indwelling Christ.

There is precious communion with Christ, when a lonely person discovers that the love of Christ is real and satisfying. There is an old saying, "Blessed are the homesick, for they shall come home." Loneliness and isolation are signs of homesickness, which can only be healed by coming home to Christ.

Christ makes us whole. His love makes us whole, and out of the overflow of Christ's love within us we can then show love and compassion for those around us. Out of the overflow of His love and acceptance for you, which heals your loneliness, you can show love and caring towards those around you.

He knocks at the door of your heart; the presence of Christ is real. But He must be invited into your heart, into the center of your being.

Receive Him; receive His cleansing and forgiveness and love. Allow Him to have the control of your life in a genuine surrender, and His loving presence will fill you, removing loneliness and unrest. May the peace of Christ fill you now!

A Prayer of Surrender:

Dear Lord Jesus, please fill me with your love, and wash away all my sins. I surrender my heart and life to you. I ask you to receive me and make me whole.

Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, to cleanse me and forgive me. Thank you for dying on the cross for me, to make me a child of God. I turn away from all my sins, with all my heart.

I receive you, Lord Jesus, as the Lord and Savior of my life. I ask you to rule in my heart and life from now on. I ask you to fill me with your loving presence, and guard me with your divine protection.

I ask you to strengthen me and help me, to live for you from now on. I ask you to fill me with love so that I can love other people with a pure love. Fill me with love so that I can love you with all of my heart.

Amen.


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