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I'm good for nothing

Posted by SgtSlim at April 12, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Attitude  Life Story

My life has been good for nothing. I was pushed around since I was born. My father was a big kid. He used to get jealous of the attention my mom gave us when we were young and treated my sister and I pretty bad. He would pick on us to make his friends laugh. He used to call me a little faggot and tell his friends that I was giving oral favors to my little faggot friend across the road. That was before he used my sister and I for sex but Never in the same instance (so I don't have her to talk to). He would state that my mother wouldn't give him any and so that is why he used us. Then he made everything seem like it was a mutual happening. I was in third grade when he started. I made it stop about 4th or 5th grade I don't really remember but I said that I would report it to the school. I was choked and he told me he would kill me. Then after that incident he started acting as normal as he could. During my whole childhood he made me go to church every Sunday. He would play guitar sing and "testify" on how blessed he was. The whole damn church would be dressed to the nines and amening with him. I never said a word for my mother's sake. I felt as if I was protecting her. But it made me angry and now I feel was close to hating her for not protecting us. I know she had no idea because he was loved in our family and community. Especially the hell fire and damnation god nuts. He was constantly secretive and paranoid. Anyways This year 2012 my mom died. My dad is a freaking child. Does not know what his bills were or even what a checking account is. He literally thought it was the card that she gave him to get money. Yes there are people out here that stupid. I feel obligated to help him because that's the way my mother would want it.

My school life was horrible. I was the brunt of many jokes from school. I was able to fight but I would cry as I threw punches. Mostly because the fights were caused by me being picked on or treated like shit. I felt I was hitting my father. I think maybe I gave off submission or weak vibes. But I would normally win the fights in pure rage. Anyways I was punished both at school and at home for defending myself. I don't remember throwing the first punch but I considered the trouble maker because people would push me until I fought. Then they would automatically be the victims no matter what happened. Now if my father heard I backed down, or walked away from a fight I was whipped with a book across my ass. So there really was nothing I could do. I literally put my hands behind my back one time and got my head smashed by a golden gloves boxer. I still got suspended, corporal punishment at home and school with extra at home because I didn't fight back. This led to my adult life.

Highschool was the eye of my hurricane. I forced freedom from my parents and luckily I was just a burn out. I didn't do too much heavy drugs. There's not much else to say about highschool but I did blow up from time to time in a rage.

Adult life is much the same as my elementary and middle. I joined the Marine Corps thinking I would change and honestly I'm probably the only Marine ever to be weak. Sure I can win fights but that doesn't amount to shit in the grown up world. I was an admin guy then I did aviation electrician. The whole time in the Marines was like Middle school. Yep not high school but middle school. I had to fight and I wrong for fighting. I don't know how to communicate but If I'm getting punched what do I do. I punched back. Only this time these guys could kick my ass. So I would get beat and then punished for getting beat and the guys picking would be commended. I was known for being able to take a punch.

My love life is simple. I would fall in love, show my loyalty, and then get dumped. It's the same story through out. I won't bore you with the younger loves but here goes the big one. After five years in the Corps I was done for good. Well so I thought. I met a girl (through my mom and dad's church)who I thought was it. I married 2 years later. I then joined back up unable to find employment in my little city. We then moved to New River NC where I worked for the next 5 years. I deployed to war and she taped herself with our next door neighbors screwing with my kids in the house (asleep I assume). She deleted it then. A few months after I came home my daughter accidentally deleted family pictures we had taken from my homecoming. I undeleted it and there was a broken video file that grouped all clips together in a jacked up video. I heard audio so I kept it playing. It showed clips from different times. My daughter crawling across the floor smiling, my other daughter playing with toys and then the sex clip. God saw fit to put my daughters words saying "daddy" right before it cut to my wife screwing the next door neighbors while I was bleeding and risking my life, not for my country but for my neighbor screwing wife. It was down hill from there. Her true colors came out later both when she would not stop secretive phone calls/sex pictures to (who she's married to now) and when I came down with asthma. Asthma ruined my chances of re-enlistment and they slowly processed me out of the Marine Corps. I had 11 years in. Well she didn't stop there.

I've been out since 2009. Since then she has taken numerous steps to keep the kids in her custody. I haven't been good at anything, but raising kids. That's all I'm good for. They are it to me. I want them to be loved and innocent for as long as they can. With a father like mine I trust no one to watch my children. With that said I fought the hardest fight of my life. We have 50/50 custody with her being primary only because she has a vagina. She made false allegations that I am starving my kids with DHS and I had to use the last of my money to get a lawyer after a long investigation. They were gonna close the case until my ex wife stole my mail, it was my veterans affairs award letter stating how much I make and what was wrong with me. She stole it and gave it to DHS who in returned petitioned the court saying I cannot take care of my kids because of my war time experience.

I'm broke mentally, physically, and financially. If she wins there is nothing else for me. That's it. God hates me.

I apologize for the writing. I can't write poetically about myself.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 12,Apr,12 21:13

You have a clean slate.


By anonymous at 12,Apr,12 21:22

You've had it rough. No doubt about it. And you're angry. And you deserve to be angry. But, the anger is making you miserable. Forgiving the people who have wronged you may sound like an enormous leap, but I think it would be a tremendous release for you. Forgiveness is an act of strength, not weakness.
By anonymous at 12,Apr,12 23:07

Forgiving 'em isn't going to solve his problem and it's f-n bullcrap anyway. How could you forgive someone who abused you and your sister sexually?


By anonymous at 08,Jan,13 20:50

I wish I can be god for one day,,, just to help you:(


By T.W. at 03,Apr,13 15:27

Life does suck period. there is nothing to say, nothing to solve , no matter what you do...you'll always end up with a c**k up your ass


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