LIFE SUCKS

My Life

Okay, here it goes. Life for me started out relatively rough, I had open heart surgery at birth which made it extremely difficult for my parents, considering I had a twenty percent survival rate. I suffered a stroke not too long after that. When I was three my parents got a divorce because my father had a drug addiction, frankly he did not give a shit about my mother and she did not give a shit about him. I have two brothers, the oldest of whom is ten years older than me and the other one a year younger than him, they were both trouble makers. They come from a different father, who was a drug dealer, and once assisted in stabbing a man to death. I went to a very small public elementary school, where if you were not the best of the best, you were treated differently. Every day I was called down to the office for some stupid shit. I was once called down there because they had a problem with the way I dotted my I's. WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY TO ASK SUCH A FUCKED UP RETARDED QUESTION. I was then transfered from there to a very small private elementary school on that very same street. Things did not get better, I was picked on for being fat and poor. I would be doing some stupid shit with, lets say, three people, and I would be the only one to get in trouble. Their disciplines were not "conventional." If you did something too severe, you were beaten with a paddle. When I was in the forth grade I came across my first brush with pornography. My mind really blanked out most of it, but I saw oral. I did not look this up on my own, my friend brought it in to school. The school administration found out about it, and the child was beaten and expelled. My brothers were constantly in and out of Juvenile Detention. The oldest one was in there four times, and the other one was in there five times, I remember seeing my brother having to be controlled by cops in what was apparently our backyard. Our backyard wasn't really a yard, it was just dirt, gravel, and a bunch of torn up bikes than came from I don't know where. My first time looking up pornography on my own was when I was eleven, and it grew into an addiction from there. When I finished up elementary school, I transferred to a school down south (of the state, I still lived up north) Where I started junior high. Let me tell you this, my mother is a television addict, from the moment she walks in the door to the moment she goes to sleep, she is watching television and it is difficult to deal with that. I got made fun of a lot at this school, I got called names like homo, and faggot,(by the way, I am not gay) one guy assumed that I had down syndrome. I started to think about suicide due to this, I would listen to heavy metal to try to vent, but it became hard. In high school, I got beat up every day on the bus, I got money stolen from me, and more names flung at me. I got picked on for having a hispanic background, I got called names like spick, and beaner. I found out my brother has a heroin addiction, and he has been using since he was seventeen. He spends one-hundred dollars a day on the shit, and he only makes ninety, so he is in a lot of debt to his dealers. He has a son who lives one fucked up life. His son is turning into a sociopath, he kills small animals for fun. There is nobody there to help him out. Once, my dad had enough of my brother, and beat him so badly that he got sent to the hospital, and I watched my dad get sent to jail. Every girl that I have ever liked has found me disguisting, I have had enough. All of my friends tell me that I am worth nothing, they tell me that I am dumb and will naver achieve anything. I go to a rich kid school and, even there, I get made fun of for being poor, one guy is convinced that I recieve all of my money from the government. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about suicide. I started cutting myself my sophmore year of high school. I told my mother, and she did not care. Me and my dad are nothing alike. The only thing keeping me from committing suicide is hope that whatever my next step in life will be, that it will be better than this one, I am leaving my parents house in about a year(I'm seventeer) and I hope that whatever I do next that it will take me places.