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It's lonely at the top

Posted by LonelyBot14 at April 9, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Loneliness  Relationship

Actually, my life isn't that bad and I know I should be grateful for who I am and what I have been given. However, I can't seem to stop crying for awhile now, and my bouts of crying comes sporadically over this past week that it stops me from fully functioning in my daily life. I need a place to rant to see if it helps the load off because I'm tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself.

Some people have said that I am charismatic, somewhat pretty, and maybe even a smart person. I am the president of a club in my college and I have been blessed enough to come to the USA to study (my family lives on the other side of the world). A lot of people who knew me best, have always said I am an independent person and people who've grown up with me have said that I'm so independent that they can't imagine me with a boyfriend. I don't take that too seriously though (as I don't think I'm THAT independent) but I do realize that now I am 23 years old and have never had a serious relationship. My family, mom, aunts, grandmas from time to time ask me if I have a boyfriend, or if I've met anyone or if I like anyone. My answer to them has always been no. I know no one is interested in me in that way and honestly, because of that, I guard myself to not let myself have a crush on anyone because I know it would not be reciprocated. I think of it as defense mechanism because I don't want to invest in something that would get myself hurt. But, it doesn't always work that way though. I'm currently crushing on someone but I know its hopeless because he doesn't seem interested and I know he likes someone else. So, I'm feeling a bit depress over that. Especially now since its Spring, I see love birds around me everywhere who constantly remind me of my perpetual single status.

However, my depression is not solely about my unreciprocated crush. My club members and I recently hosted an event that became one of the more popular events of the year. It was such a success that i was really proud of myself and was really happy about it for awhile. As the president, I know that I really worked hard to make sure that the club is kept afloat and the planning for the event was on the right track for the 3 months before the big event. Although some might not agree, I personally thought that I was doing more work than I should while other people don't seem to care as much. I felt as a leader that it was my responsibility to pick up the slack and work extra hard because in the end if the event was a failure, it would be on me, people would blame me, eventhough others were the ones who failed. I try my best not to be the mean, fierce leader even though sometimes there are people that absolutely frustrates me. It's my first time at this type of position, so I'm very conscious of the way I conduct myself.

On the event day itself, because I was the president, I was not allowed to conduct and direct the event/show because it was custom that the president was to seat at the vip table. So, I made sure my committee members knew exactly what to do when I'm not there, and briefed them and remind them on what to do. I was feeling antsy the entire night because I was probably the only one who knew the event and play in and out. But, in the end, they pulled off a spectacular job. I was really proud of all of them. however, later I realize that people are thinking that the president did not really do anything and the credits were given to my committee members. The script that I co-written with a friend, he was getting all of the credit and was being acclaimed for being very creative when I felt I had a heavy hand it the script itself. My co-writer friend knows it but he's much too soft-spoken to correct people of the misunderstanding and I don't want to sound self-absorbed if I correct it either. I tell myself that I'm not bothered by it, but remembering all the sleepless night I sacrificed for the script, I felt a little depress that I was not getting acknowledged for my contribution. All the other things that I had helped with, my committee quickly forgot and I never received a single thanks. I know that I feel stupid that I want to be acknowledged and to receive thanks from people, but I did sacrifice a lot up to the point that I'm practically failing 2 courses this semester. Picking up people's slack really takes a toll on me and my studies. Not only that, I'm getting blamed for some minor things my committee have done and I need to come up with a contingency plan to repair some of the damage to our budget.

A friend back home said that I must be pretty popular now since I'm the president and I appeared in a video interview in the college paper. She asks whether I now have a lot of admirers now. The moment she said that, it really dawned on me how very lonely and insignificant I am. I am no more popular than I was before I was president, probably even less now since when I bump into people who I'm sure recognize me, they never say hi or acknowledge they know me. Several times, I waved at people or smile, and I don't get a response. I've always had this problem. People who I was nice and friendly to when we first met, they pretend not to know me the next time we meet. I'm not sure what puts people off from me. Even friends who I feel that I'm closes to, they never ask me to hang out or go get coffee. I would see those friends going out with other mutual friends, but they never seem to invite me along. I'm in college and i've never really truly been asked to hang out. I see my friends asking other mutual friends to study, work out together. I've never had a study group with anyone. I just got back from the gym and I see my friends working out together and other people being with someone. I just broke down in tears on the cycling machine that was tuck into a corner so no one can see how depressed and pathetic I was with my ugly crying face. I was cycling and cycling, hoping I would get a burst of endorphins that would make me happy, but I couldn't stop crying.

I thought of telling my family all about what's going on with me, with the success of the event through skype. We don't skype often since my family and I are both busy. But when I finally got to talk to them a week plus since the big event, I was bursting to tell them of every detail (the happy ones) and to tell them how happy I was (ignoring the fact that I was not credited) of my hard work. 5 minutes into the conversation, as I was just beginning to tell them the story, they cut me short but told me to keep talking while they are doing other things (like cooking, finishing a crossword puzzle, resting etc). I can tell they probably weren't really listening. Even when I stopped talking altogether, they don't really realize. I felt my excitement deflating and I just couldn't bring myself to continue my happy story. I just felt really insignificant. Even my own family who is suppose to love me unconditionally, I just don't feel like they are truly interested in what I have to say. My mom or dad would just listen for like 5 minutes whenever I skype with them, and when there is an opening, they would say 'ok, i'm gonna go do something, go talk to your sister/brother' or they would say to my sister/brother 'hey, go talk/entertain your sister on skype' and they would leave. I constantly feel like i'm a chore to talk to or something. I can also feel my sister/brother not really bothering to talk to me so much.

I really feel at this point that I'm of not much significance to anyone. I have a wonderful complete family, but even with them I feel lonely sometimes. I don't feel like i can truly talk freely to them especially since they never seem to be interested in what I have to say. I don't seem to have any close friends who I can share my secrets with. None of my friends seek me out to hang out with me. No one seems to miss me in their gathering or whatever. No one seems to notice that I go everywhere alone. I study by myself. I work out at the gym by myself. In class, even when I know people, I'm always the one who have to approach my classmates, never them seeking me out. No need to make mention of my love life, that's completely absent. Of the 23 years that i've been alive (as grateful as I am for everything that I have and has happened to me), I've never felt as lonely as I am now. Especially now that I'm wiser and have better clarity and observance of people around me. I know there must be something wrong with me. I try my best to be nice, to be approachable, to offer my help to anyone, but still I repel people like a leper. Even the people who I feel have an awful personality have more friends than I do. I just feel like i'm the only one in my community that really don't have a group of friends/clique or any close friends.

I may not look lonely, people may think because I was elected president, I am popular. But in fact, I feel not a one person is giving me a single thought right now. I guarantee that.

I'm not sure what I should change about myself. Get a new personality? Be more outgoing? Force my friendship on people? I don't want to change my personality though. I don't think I truly have a bad personality or anything. I want to be accepted as who I am. I don't mind fixing any of my flaws if it makes me a better person, but i don't know what the flaws people see that I should fix to make people care about me more. No one has ever told me.

I'm resigned to believe that this would be the peak of my life. I could never achieve more spectacular or impressive things other than being this president once. A life of greatness is not in my future, I know that. I'm probably going to lead a mediocre life in the future, and I'm ok with that. If I'm a happy person, I can be ok with that. i just want to accept this problem of loneliness right now. It's messing up my emotions and my life. I'm tired of being upset, and feeling pathetic and feeling insignificant. If I'm not going to be significant to anyone in my life, i want to be of significance to myself. I want to be happy with myself despite the loneliness. I just want to get over this feeling and this crying already.

if anyone actually manages to read this insignificant ranting all the way through, I thank you very much. =)


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Comments:
By anonymous at 09,Apr,12 13:14

I could cry reading your post as you remind me of myself and sadly now my child as well. I cant offer much advice as my own life has had ups and downs and I feel like Im along for the ride instead of being in control. Like my child though you have something going for you: you were willing to go for the leader roles like president and writing the script. You know you did it. It counts! You can use it as experience and as reference for future projects. I just want you to know you Are important. And God knows too. I dont know why some lives are like yours but youre not alone. And someone did read your post and cares :)


By at 09,Apr,12 16:39

You have done a lot for the people around you :)

I'm sort of having the same problem. I haven't figured the solution out myself, but you're not the only one and I hope your situation gets better :)


By anonymous at 09,Apr,12 17:06

I just want you to know you're not alone. I feel like this at times, especially since I graduated high school. (I chose not to go to college and change jobs frequently as I'm a temp worker and only work temp assignments). I feel that this is partly because I have low self esteem. I'm not saying this is an easy task by any means, but maybe you should try to work on changing things so that you like yourself. If you're confident, people will be more likely to want to be around you. I also think you should try to talk to your family about this. If all else fails, try to find new activities to be involved in. Not something stressful, like being the president of a club, but be a member of a group with active members that you share interests with. Don't push anything. Be patient. Maybe seek out other people who are alone and ask them if they want to hang out. You're not the only lonely person.


By anonymous at 09,Apr,12 18:08

Some things you mentioned really look like my life.

I'm 17 and I have loads of friends. I get so many invites for hanging out I have to decide between them. But my situation looked quite the opposite just about 2 years ago. When everybody hated me and I couldn't see why. And then I found out just how pushy I was, how conservative my look was on everything and how I was always loud about everything, telling stories to everybody when they didn't really want to hear them. So I changed.

It was hard. I had to think about every sentence I said out before I said it. Sometimes it was hard since I was used to criticize and it seemed really normal to me. But as I forced to change my actions, my inner self started to change. I disdan my past self. And now I hate my parents, too, because they built up that outlook I had. And they still practise it and it's disgusting.

What I'm saying is, try to repair your little flaws and in the end it may turn out they weren't so small. Make sure you always:
- listen to people and even if they're boring act like they aren't
- wait for them to say everything they wanted and make sure there is the 'gap' that tells you it's your turn
- if they ask you to go out and smoke some pot, drink absint or even do coke just say yes and when you're there say that you aren't gonna do any (if you don't want to). It will make them feel like you accept them and you won't be excluded from the group
- don't EVER judge or criticize people. EVER. not about anything
- an example of behaviour. a very fat friend says she wont go out since she looks bad in elegant dress and nobody would dance with her cauze shes fat. You say: no it's not true, you look great in your black jeans and besides it's ladies night out, lets just go out and have a few coctails.
- dont talk about work or school when not in that particular institution
- dont be loud. maybe you are and you don't feel like you are.

But I must admit, I wouldn't be on this site if my life was perfect. Now that people want to hang out with me I don't want to. I don't like people. I like some but sometimes they really get on my nerves. So the key is not really people. I live a life that provides me with 24/7 company and now I search for peace and loneliness and I just can't find it.
But if you want company, my advices are those to be listened. And you can start with people around you. I started off with apologizing to all my former 'friends' and I invited them out to prove that I am worth the trust.
By anonymous at 10,Apr,12 09:28

I am 26 and i feel like i have learned a few things from your post. You said you are 17 but your insights about your life, personality and relationships is of someone who is 30. Heck, even some 40 year old's never take the time to realize and rectify their flaws the way you did at only 15. I have a feeling you will do very well in life. Good luck


By anonymous at 09,Apr,12 19:09

Whilst in agreement with all the above comments, i would also like to add a -virtual hug- to the equation.

Email me if you want: thoughtlessclouds@hotmail.co.uk... I totally get where you're coming from.

:)


By anonymous at 10,Apr,12 08:25

I can't help but relate


By anonymous at 12,Apr,12 04:41

Omg you have just described my life here... I am 21 and have also been seen as being 'popular' in the past year or so due to a club I took charge in. It was even worse cuz there were a lot of sexisism and cyberbullying going on that made me kind of lose faith in humanity. But now I cut out all the people that make me sad and angry and I prefer to be alone rather than be with those people. However I really hope to find someone that we can relate to each other to. You have just made me feel less lonely by posting this, thank you.


By at 13,Apr,12 22:13

Wow. You have a lot on your plate. Kudos for keeping up with your responsibilities and commitments as well as you have been. It sucks that you have to get recognition from strangers on the internet, but if you were getting the pats on the back that you deserve, you wouldn't be here.
But you're not doing what you do for the attention, you're doing it because it's what you feel is right. It's hard when you have so much control over some areas of your life (like your club) but you feel helpless in other areas (like relationships).
It would be easy to just tell you "keep your nose to the grind stone and things will work out" but it sounds like you feel that all you do is work. It would be nice to step away for a while, but with whom? Who would keep things on track while you're gone? You should be enjoying what you've accomplished, but it's hard to find people who share your passions and who are as dedicated as you are.
You can obviously recognize the good things in your life. What seems to be bothering you are the "little things". They're not actually "little things". They are very important to you but it's frustrating for you to excel in some areas, but flounder in others and not know why.
Am I understanding your situation correctly?


By anonymous at 15,Apr,12 01:42

this is my problem
when i asked some expert advice--i got reply--
. take chance

thats the only suggestion i have for you
take chance -try to find some one like minded and
be with him -
yes!!! you may get hurt but you have to take chance

and never get disappointed on getting hurt AS
at the end we all share a common destination--- death

so let that happen what is happening, may be god wanted it to be so,

all in our hand to do what we can
dont afraid to take some action
------------------------------------------
xxxxx@india.com


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