I'm in my 40s. I've been told by many people of different races and walk of life how attractive and intelligent I am. I've been told this most of my life. However, I've never had a very active dating life. Men will stare and smile but never approach me; and the few times that I've gotten the courage to approach men, they were attached.
In my 20s, I used to go out a lot. My friends began to get married and have kids, my social life dwindled. Now, most of my friends have adult children and some, including my sister, have grandkids. I've always been single and I am childless.
I lost both of my parents in less than one year. I had no boyfriend/husband's shoulder to cry on; I went home alone after each loss. I lost my job a few years ago and went into a deeper depression. Thank God, I have been able to stay financial afloat.
I remained dateless for several years. A year ago, I got into a relationship with someone that I knew since childhood; I fell more deeply in love than I ever thought possible. Months into it, I found out that he was seeing other women. I spent all of last summer in the deepest depression that I've ever experienced and became suicidal; thank God I have friends.
He worked at patching things up and I'm sort of back with him, but I'm not happy. He has a lot of family responsibilities and he's a workaholic. He always has some sort of crisis related to his family.
I know that this relationship isn't going anywhere. I'm only with him because if I leave him, I'm afraid that I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
I'm feeling more lonely than ever now. I feel that my life has passed me by. I'm not close to my family, we only share DNA. My friends have their own lives. I'm not the type to hang out alone and going out is too expensive.
I am grateful for what I have, but I feel that I'm just empty and going through thee motions.