I'm in my 40s. I've been told by many people of different races and walk of life how attractive and intelligent I am. I've been told this most of my life. However, I've never had a very active dating life. Men will stare and smile but never approach me; and the few times that I've gotten the courage to approach men, they were attached.
In my 20s, I used to go out a lot. My friends began to get married and have kids, my social life dwindled. Now, most of my friends have adult children and some, including my sister, have grandkids. I've always been single and I am childless.
I lost both of my parents in less than one year. I had no boyfriend/husband's shoulder to cry on; I went home alone after each loss. I lost my job a few years ago and went into a deeper depression. Thank God, I have been able to stay financial afloat.
I remained dateless for several years. A year ago, I got into a relationship with someone that I knew since childhood; I fell more deeply in love than I ever thought possible. Months into it, I found out that he was seeing other women. I spent all of last summer in the deepest depression that I've ever experienced and became suicidal; thank God I have friends.
He worked at patching things up and I'm sort of back with him, but I'm not happy. He has a lot of family responsibilities and he's a workaholic. He always has some sort of crisis related to his family.
I know that this relationship isn't going anywhere. I'm only with him because if I leave him, I'm afraid that I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
I'm feeling more lonely than ever now. I feel that my life has passed me by. I'm not close to my family, we only share DNA. My friends have their own lives. I'm not the type to hang out alone and going out is too expensive.
I am grateful for what I have, but I feel that I'm just empty and going through thee motions.
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But I am thankful that I am not as desperate as alot of people. I have a lot of self control and all I can really do is wait. I tend to go through this battle of wondering do I want a guy or not becuase I like my independence, I like being free of responsibility, but then you have those times where you REALLY want someone to be with you. This is the ONLY battle about myself that I cannot figure out and it's taking me YEARS to understand myself.
Like you, I have had many tell me I'm attractive in all kinds of ways, but I have never had that one guy who swept me off my feet. The guys I encounter are nearly all the same. They just want me for one night and hope I become a bootycall and it gets very frustrating sometimes.
When I graduated high school, I kept up with my friends and other classmates and everywhere on facebook, it seems like each of them have already found a family. I went to two weddings and I'm starting to think that I'll probably never have my own. I have no kids, I have no history of relationship except for friends and family. But yet, you have all these people around you who you know that were able to find their significant other, who were able to have kids and just totally live in bliss. And then there's you and I. What's wrong here?
I already know what my problem is. I'm not mature enough yet. I don't even know if I even want to get married, but the idea seems nice. I still have stuff to finish up in school. I don't even own a car.
The question is, what is your problem? I think I sort of know what it is. You are too desperate to be in a relationship. You will probably take any guy that comes you way. You admitted that you're with this guy who CHEATED on you all becuase you fear to be alone. Is that really fair to you? Don't you want a guy who will only have eyes and feelings for you? You are SETTLING for less And you are also showing him that what he did was okay becuase you went back to him. When you keep rewarding bad behavior do not ever expect a change or different results. You need to set your standards and self-worth a little higher than that. I also think you need to work on your self-esteem becuase if you do not have self-respect for yourself, no one else will, including this guy who did cheat on you. I highly doubt your relationship with this guy will last or benefit you positively. I believe you need to let him go and not be apart of his family drama.
I think you need some time to find yourself with the help of God. Talk to him about it. Ask him what is being done wrong when it comes to men. he may reveal something to you. Maybe you are looking in the wrong places. he wants to be apart of every single thing that goes on in your life. Allow him to have control.
Life sucks, many people are lonely. Your guy is an ass. Its better to live alone as opposed to someone else's stooge.
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