In a long distance relationship since almost an year with a girl who lives abroad. I'm in my thirties and don't really have a social circle anymore as they all have families by now so I see my old friends a couple of times a year. I can't be bothered to try and make new, more active friends since actually I'm doing pretty fine like this. I can meet new people by myself and be social. But I just miss my girlfriend. I've visited her but she apparently doesn't have plans to visit me. She never makes any plans. Spring time and she is telling me how it affects her hormones. Yes, please keep telling me that while we can't even meet each other. My logic is saying that it's obvious that we both could be happier just living our lives separately, and we have talked about this, but on the other hand I don't want to lose her if we will have a chance to make it work and she says she feels that way too. I just don't know how long should I wait. If we don't get a chance this year to live in the same place, even for some time, I think at some point we may have to draw the conclusion. And even if we succeed to spend some time together, breaking up can be unavoidable because of other things. So I am asking myself, am I wasting my days being alone - for nothing? | |
Please read my post. I'm in the exact same situation as you, except I'm the girl in the long-distance relationship for almost two years now. After one happy year together, life/career/destiny separated us. My bf has visited me twice in Europe, but I haven't visited him back in the US. I never make any plans. And, I know, Spring just makes it worse.
You can probably be happier if you move on with your lives separately. How long can you wait? Are you sure things will get better? Does the "even for some time" part solve anything? Aren't the "other things" too overwhelming? Been there, done that. You could actually be my bf, for all I know. The situations are too similar, the complications are the same.
My sincere advice is don't waste your time being alone. If life takes you on different paths, it is probably not meant to be. Sometimes love is not enough and an ocean in between is just too much.
I don't think this is what you want to hear, but I think you can do better. Make friends, cultivate your interests, life will follow naturally. When you least expect it, you will find someone who will make you happy. And then there will be no more questions, no more doubt.
Love is not about doubt and distance. It is about knowing and closeness. You can do better.
Good luck, be happy.
JustMe
NOW SHUT UP
AND GET YOUR CAR FIXED
ARE YOU PUTTING OUT ENOUGH???
DID YOU EVER FALL ASLEEP DURING SEX???
Didn't you ask ''am I wasting my days being alone - for nothing?''
The truth is a bitch ,ain't it?
i cant even bother to talk to people.. but i'm keeping in there.. i still think there is hope for my life..
we all gotta change at some point.. I'd say you should think of moving on.. because that is what i've been thinking.. it's not worth being with somebody that isn't sure what they want..
@anonymous 1
Yes, the fact that you always forget after a while, I know it because of my previous relationship of several years which ended less than two years ago. But when me and my current girlfriend met and were living near to each other, I haven't ever experienced such intensity in love. Maybe she was the more active one, but I couldn't let her go even after our first day even though I was trying to. But now, do I still feel it even physically like you described and does she? Good questions. I would like to think the connection that joined us (against the odds) is still there, but on the other hand they say the intense love phase only lasts 1-2 years. Maybe that is the main reason I said I want to live together for some more time, to find out if we still have it between us or not. It is different to just say it to each other or to imagine it, than it would be to feel it every day.
@JustMe
You recognize my situation exactly but from the other side. It is really a strange coincidence. And from this perspective, your advice is still to let myself be free. Yes, it was not what I primarily wanted to hear, but what you said hit home for me. Even I have been thinking, if life wants us to be together, then it will arrange it too. And I want to be free of these doubts one day. I think I should wait for a while for her move, to see if she really still wants me and if she is actually going to make it happen. At the same time, I know that I need to be focusing on my own life more. I really thank you and I wish you the best of luck and happiness too.
@anonymous 2
"it's not worth being with somebody that isn't sure what they want.."
Reading it, I realized that I can agree with it completely. I'm feeling this way.
@tuffluck
Yes, this was in fact my "plan" back when we started to live in different countries after our time together. I was trying to look around and to keep my options open, but didn't cheat. Nowadays, I see that I have gradually been slipping into more and more exclusive commitment. This is probably because of two things. In my city, I almost never even see anybody who I imagine could replace her. I know such women exist out there in small numbers though - I just don't meet them anywhere in any of my activities. Not that I would immediately date them if I did, I don't mean that. And secondly, we have been talking by writing a lot every day. Even if it is long distance, I have let her become an important part of my everyday life this way. With my job and my hobbies and talking to her, I haven't felt like I would even really have time to meet anybody else. But I get the feeling that this might be about to change between us this spring. She may be drifting away from me already. I should now again try to be the way I originally intended to be and to keep all my options open.
Many thanks for taking the time to reply.
I sincerely hope I'm wrong, but I have the feeling that your gf will not visit you. She will wait for you to go there again (you probably will, won't you?) and then she will try to match her dream of "being a couple in her city".
She will be genuinely happy to see you, because from your words I believe she loves you and she misses you. However cities are different, her friends there are not yours. She already has her routine. Failing to meet the dream expectations will most likely make her "appreciate you less".
Let me just add a couple of things relating to your last comments.
I really think that "talking by writing a lot" is the beginning of the end. Typing does not replace voice, instant messages do not convey emotions. It is easier to forget about the good things if there is no actual talking. I would advice you to close the chat window and just skype call.
tuffluck's wise sentence
tuffluck's wise sentence "Don't make her a priority if she is making you an option" is on spot. However, making her an option in return is not the (right) solution. You don't sound like someone who takes relationships lightly, so don't let this change you. Take your time, decide what you want, and either move on or commit to wait.
Before asking your gf, ask yourself: are you secretly hoping for your relationship to end? Only you can know.
I hope spring brings you good things :)
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