My Dad died at the young age of 50. A massive heart attack, I was 25. He smoked, had high blood pressure, and recently settled down after a somewhat bitter divorce. I never knew exactly why my Mom and Dad divorced, but looking back money or lack thereof probably played a major role. My Father worked hard on a "swing shift" (4PM - 12AM), and spent his weekends mostly at a friends house just up the street. My Mom would work occasionally when money was tight. She worked odd jobs and never really held a skilled position of any kind. Rarely, would my parents show physical affection towards one another in front of me or my siblings. Communication was non-existent between them. We could sometime feel there was something wrong, but as children we never really recognized it as a potential problem. But maybe that to was my imagination.
My parents never left us in need. As children and my younger Sister,Brother and I always received what we asked for. We were never abused, I can't remember us ever being spanked for doing something wrong. And we did do a lot of "kid" stuff that deserved a little discipline according to all the "experts" today.
So, I grew up in a sort of fantasy land where I didn't have to work hard to get what I wanted, I had no reason to expect any kind of retribution for anything considered wrong, and I had a mixed view of what a marriage was suppose to be. I know we were loved, but is there such a thing as being too loved?
As I matured, I was fortunate enough to land a decent job with a well known company. I considered this to be a stroke of luck since I was never really a top notch student, but the school I went to found this job for me. Again, everything is being handed to me. I was young, 18, still living at home and not really involved in a relationship although I had many crushes. But it was when I turned 21 that my parents divorced. Sure, I can still remember the day I was told by my Mom that Dad was leaving, but what is odd about the whole thing is I didn't have any real feelings about it at all and still don't. Here, my fantasy life was being changed for good and I just went on living my other fantasy life in my head. I had no emotion or feeling regarding what they were going through or how this will affect our family. It was like I was a viewer watching a drama unfold knowing that it will not harm me in anyway. I had developed my own fantasy. A life where I'd be soon living on my own making decent money with a good stable job.
I was living at home with my Mom, Brother and Sister. I paid for most of what we needed, since shortly after my Dad left he was laid off from his job of 25+ years. I began to resent that I was forced into this role because I wasn't ready for this responsibility. So I rebelled against my Mom by not speaking to her for several months even though we lived in the same house. I would just go upstairs when she came home. She'd bring friends home from work and they would stay until late. We even had one stay on the couch and for rent he was suppose to fix things around the house, but never did. I hated how my life was beginning to take shape!
A year later, I met a girl. She was beautiful. My first love. We were inseparable. At home, things really began to fall apart. Food was getting scarce, no one was shopping. The house was falling down around us from lack of maintenance. The neighborhood was beginning to change for the worse as the older families left. And I, was just sailing along in my fantasy life with my beautiful girlfriend whom I made love to every chance we could. We were in love.
I decided that it was time to leave my Mom because the way of life at home was so bad that I couldn't stand it anymore. I moved in with my Dad and his soon to be new Wife whom I've known while growing up. So things were looking up once again. A decent home, no rent, no bills, and a terrific girl who I just asked to marry me. Life was perfect, or so it seemed. My Mom, Sister and Brother walked away from our house and moved into a trailer my Grandmother had owned before she passed. My Sister became pregnant and my Brother quit school. My girl left me for her teacher, and my company was closing it's doors and moving certain parts to Mexico, California, and Minnesota. Mixed in with all of that was the sense of hurt that I was cheated on. I quickly withdrew and concentrated on myself by working out, going to bars with my co-workers, and working as much as I could.
A chance to move out of my Dad's home presented itself to me shortly thereafter. I moved into a bedroom apartment and shared the rent and utilities with a co-worker who just had a divorce. My company was about to close it's doors, but with my 401k and unemployment, I decided to take the Summer off. It was later in the Fall I met my wife. We were setup by one of my Mom's co-workers she would bring home. We met, dated and eventually married. We have two Sons whom I love more then life itself.
We have had our ups and downs. I had dreams of living my life with her and watching our Grandchildren. But now I find that my life has been an exact mirror of my Father's. I have no money. We don't communicate. We hardly make love anymore, only when she feel "obligated." It's never spontaneous. And my former lover, is back in my life via Facebook. I've come to realize that I am living my Dad's life. A completed circle of lost dreams and happiness. I'm still in love with my former girlfriend and imagine us together now we're older since learning of her recent divorce. I have no money. We're behind in all our bills. My kids are out of control and want everything handed to them. My wife has no job and is seeking disability payments. I have no future. The dreams I had as a young man of having a family, growing old, and retiring has turned into a nightmare of lost love, wishful thoughts, and disappointment. I have nothing left to dream. This is going to be my life. I am to much of a coward to leave my marriage even though I know she isn't happy either. I'm a horrible Father for not teaching my children to be responsible young adults. It's amazing I haven't had an affair yet due to the lack of intimacy in our marriage. Although I technically cheated by having lunch with my ex when she visited a few weeks ago. Just lunch, don't let your imagination run away with you. But that only fueled the thought of us getting back together. We seem to share the same dreams of how we want to live our remaining years. So there you have it. My dead end life. No more dreams. No more chances to be happy. Just waiting to turn 50.
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