I am a 17 year old and i hate my life. I find it sad that i have barely lived and yet I already hate living. My father abandoned me when i was 12 and I haven't seen him since. Everyday I get hit by my mother and some days by my brother. I also get verbally abused because my twin sister, mother and brother call me fat, stupid, ugly, slutty, worthless and "a daughter i wish i never had." I used to think I was skinny and i like to believe I am, but my family has brought me down so much that now I don't think I am. I am not stupid. I just don't feel the need to try because I have nothing to try for. I know I am not ugly because boys like me and I was voted prettiest girl in my school for 2 years now, but I can't help to see myself in the mirror as a fat ugly person. I am a slut but I only do stupid stuff because I need the feel of someone maybe loving and caring for me. Which brings me to another reason I hate my life. My boyfriend of about 2 years just broke up with me because he said he wanted to smoke again and drink with his friends..he's 18. Yes, illegal. I am 100% against underage drinking and smoking cigarettes or marijuana. I think it is unattractive and down right stupid. I will never in my life drink or smoke. But knowing that my boyfriend of 2 years left me because I wasn't enough for him and he missed his gay friends just brings me down to a whole new level. I have no one to talk to. My friends don't like me anymore because I'm so depressing and don't ever want to do anything so they don't want to talk to me because I'm boring. I try so hard to have the motivation to do things but I just can't find myself to do anything. I also KNOW I am worthless because I am infertile. I was born this way and there is nothing I can do. I believe life is about finding the love of your life (which I thought I had found) and having kids with them and grow old raising them and taking care of your husband till he dies and finding a job that makes you happy. The only talent I have is singing. I can't do anything else. I used to play soccer but I destroyed my ankle so I can no longer play sports. I can't find my calling for anything. Everything makes me depressed and I just want to die. I cut my wrists daily, and they are so bad that I pass out sometimes because of the blood loss. I am hoping one day I will lose so much blood that I will just die. I tell my mom everyday I wish I was dead but all she says is "you don't have the guts" and everyday my sister tells me "go cut yourself and die bitch" and my brother always tells me "why can't you die. you're useless. Do everyone a favor and kill yourself" I hate my life. The day I die will be the happiest day ever. The only thing I looked forward to is..death. I despise living. Death is my greatest wish. I want all this pain to go away. I can't spend another day like this. I want to be dead. I need to be dead. | |
Please do me a favor: you're still in school so go talk to your guidance counsellor about how you feel and what you're going through. Or find. A favorite teacher and let her know. You need support and positive encouragement about yourself. You need your life and your worth validated. Please do not seek out other boyfriends with self-destructive habits. I'm sure there are nice boys out there who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Or even better, wait until you fell better about yourself before you date someone else. Please talk to someone you trust and update this posting with how you're doing. Wishing you the best. Believ
Seriously though life sucks.
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