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Posted by Mm2011 at March 22, 2012
Tags: Family  2012 March

Welcome to my life. It's mostly revolving around my parents.
To the outside we were an ok family, mom and me lived together, dad was around the world supporting us.

Then one day the debts started, my parents got poor, divorced and my father left to America.he started his life, found a good job, rebuilt himself and eventually I was suppose to join.

But my mom...she is a simple person, a pretty lady who got married to a smart person and didn't think that at the age of 50 she will have to work minimum wage to scratch by.

We worked hard me and my mom trying to keep all the bad guys out of the door, where we lived there is no rule of collected time, they can take your tv any day , they can block all your accounts, and without an account you lose your job.

I had to cover for my mom, for years I worked, for years I negotiated terms with my dad, took loans from him, loans he knew I can't pay back. Yet the burden was on me, i was maybe 14.

The water got plugged, electricity got pulled out, I was working a double burger king shift, working my god damn ass off to finish school, which I did, to of my class too, not because I wanted, but because if I didn't I knew dad will never send money, and mom is screwed.

When I was 18 I joined the army, I had. Better salary, mom was doing ok, dad sent money every month, but after what they did to me....something was wrong about me.

I think...it's still is.

My best skill is my skill to tell ppl what they want to hear, I can twist everything with a smilento my advantage, I can lie skillfully, I even remember all my lies, so I can create a web of them.

After the army , I ran, wanted to live my own life but they were still there, calling every day, mom used to cry every night I didn't call, father was "disappointed" and me? I was sitting and quietly cutting myself at a one bedroom apt that I barely had money to keep. I called my father and decided to move to America.

I was only 21.

Two years later my mother calls me to let me know our house is about to be sold ( she does not live in America, for her , that means, the streets.)

I get up, get a lawyer and found out my mother has debts of over 100.000 dollars, I call the only person I know with that much money, my father.

This begins a deja vu period, where they both try to fight each other and are killing me, he hates her but want the house, she scared and threat to kill herself. I have spent all my savings on this lawyer since my dad refused to pay any fees regarding this matter.

I actually sat down and got my cutting kit out, after years! They broke me, again.
They had no idea I was depressed, I can put up one he'll of a show, it's fuckng amazing

But now...something is so wrong with me, I don't want anything anymore, I got nothing left, infect my love to my mom got me in deep debts in my homelands, so deep most chances I can never go back.

The cutting doesn't do anything anymore, it doesn't feel like it should.
Friends? Nobody knows who I am for real, heck I'm not sure if I know who aim anymore! The one friend I had gave up in me, she can't take the sadness as she says.

I don't get it, ppl say I'm pretty, smart and bla bla. It's a ll a lie, I'm a lie, my life are a lie.
In the mean time, lawyers are killing me, my father ignores the problem , he just keeps calling like nothing bad ever happens in m life.

Mom....doesn't deserve what she getting, and I'm being pulled down with her.
My love to her hurts, in more ways then one.

I've lost it right? I look at ppl today at a bar, and I try to pretend to be someone....because I'm not sure I'm something anymore, I never really went to college, although everybody think idid
I even hold a job that requires that, and yet I'm s good at it, they don't care. And that's not even true to be honest, I'm just VERY good at hiding my laziness and mistakes

Working out used to help, made me feel better too but it doesn't anymore.
I do understand the I want to kill myself thought, only reason I'm not? Mom would flip.

Im23 today
I'm a ping pong of someone else's troubles. Don't tell me to disconnect, without me, my mother will have nothing.

I'm not gonna even touch my social life, imagine being friends with the above person. I'm nit sure. Would want that.

I feel so helpless, but at the same time I feel nothing. I feel...numb. Crying makes my head hurts so I stopped or at least keep it in check.

Nobody knows the story of my life, I got shot at, stabbed twice and somehow fucked completely by my family. Which let's me know on a daily basis that I need to do my PHD ASAP. Pfffff go tell them I didn't really attend m B.S

I wish I could talk to a ghost , ask her if it feels better on the other side, but then I recall the saying...

Suicide is a permeant solution for a temporary problem.

I'm just not sure of it anymore, I'm not even sure what I'm saying.
I call in sick to work about 2 a week, getting up take SO MUCH out of me
And why?.. I have a good credit, nice apt, I'm fit and all that ( my beauty matter so....fucking....little...to me, I was a soldier, pretty face doesn't give you shit but troubles)

What's going on, I don't even know why I'm writing this.
Maybe I need to see my story, read it over and over again. I wake up every morning to a panicked phone call. I wake up to emails from lawyers telling me about my mom debts being doubles, truth comes out, lies my mother been hiding for years. And I still love her.

No wonder I'm such a good liar, damn, I was raised by one of the best.


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Comments:
By TooSmartFOrYOu at 23,Mar,12 11:05

I kinda know what you mean. I dont cut. THere is alot you can do. One get rid of the emails dont even check it anymore. Forget this computer. Take stuff you dont need sell it. Put that somewhere no one will bother it. Let it build up into something better. When you get enough, take your mom out. Get her a bear(toy, stuffed, plastic, etc just not real). Enjoy what you have. Your laugh doesn't suck until you have mine. Read my story "Stepmom" and you will understand.


By Cursed at 23,Mar,12 14:04

MM2011-
I'm sure that you have already looked into the possibility of bringing your mother over to the U.S.? That was my first impression when I read your story-
It must be the debt? What if you sold your mum's house, got out of debt, and brought her to the U.S.?
I don't know- I'm probably stating the obvious here, but without knowing exact details, it's hard to offer advice. It's only worth about two cents or less anyway:)
I feel for you- wish that there was more that I could do, but what do I know? I'm Cursed.
I just want to say thank you also for serving in the military and keeping us safe here in America. As a veteran, you deserve better. Is there anyone that you can network with in the military to get advice about your mum's circumstances? Like free attorney advice or something like that?
For 23, you sure have had to grow up fast. Keep being strong, we're all rootin for yah!
Cursed
By anonymous at 24,Mar,12 03:02

Thank you. My mom is not a U.S citizen and more then that , the debts have her locked in her country. I've checked that lead I'm afraid

The military my friends, is useless.


By anonymous at 23,Mar,12 15:37

I lie alot and it gets bigger but some things you cant lie out of im only 12 and already theyre catching up to me. How much is your debt maybe I could help.


By anonymous at 23,Mar,12 23:58

Good Luck. You've been a very strong person. Somehow you need to find a way to make your mother understand what your going threw. She needs to know that your only human. Even though you've been acting almost super human. Good luck with everything!


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