I think I may be depressed, but I don't feel any different than I normally do. I guess I have always been depressed. I was born expected to be a boy. My mother miscarried a boy before she was pregnant with me, and when they found out I was a girl, both of my parents were disappointed.. at least I know my father was. I am the youngest of three girls and I've felt like my dad has hated me since birth, and my mom has never had time for me. I've always been an outcast, in my family and in school. I spent most of my childhood locked up in my room by myself, and I was bullied all throughout elementary and high school. Everyone gave me the nickname 'butterface', along with every other name in the book. I spent a lot of free time at school in bathroom stalls. I can't say I have one friend right now, I don't speak to my father and I'm not close with either of my sisters, while my mother spends every waking moment at her boyfriends house so I'm left home by myself all the time. I've had several different jobs because once people don't like me and I feel alone at work, I no longer have the motivation to go although I desperately need money. I have dropped out of many classes and then high school altogether, and then once I finally made it to college, I've already dropped out of two programs and wasted thousands of dollars. I seemed doomed to fail, but really I just don't feel comfortable around anyone and I never show up to class which results in failing marks. I don't know what I am supposed to do with my life. I married a boy that lives in a different country, and even he has come to hate me. Not only does the life surrounding me suck, but I became a vegan because of how awful life is around the world and how horrible people can be to animals and to other people, and when I think that my life might get better some day, I am constantly reminded that life everywhere is horrible and people are constantly killing and torturing other people and animals everywhere. My only option left is suicide.. | |
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