LIFE SUCKS

Psychologist Needed Perhaps

I've worked, made good money. Been able to buy awesome things that brought me happiness. I suffered many times, I've recovered, but one day it stopped. I'm trapped in the past...I had a gift for soccer. I had scholarships for many top schools in the United States. All-State athlete. Felt I could go pro with ease even knowing that it's about 5% of the US population even makes it or something like that. One day my senior year, I tore everything in my left knee. My doctors made mistakes and did not know that my ACL was also torn. So I only had one surgery. The coach did not want to take chances and let me back. I felt broken. Injury happens, you might not make it to the pro leagues, etc..These things are all understandable and acceptable. The only problem is I've never accepted them, and don't really know how to get out of the past...I did what I should have through school, studied business management, accounting, business law, etc...wanted to further that and get my associates degree in business management. I love writing songs and believe they are amazing, that I want to copyright them and believe thousands of people would like them and want to use them. The only problem is...I never finished high school. I began to die inside, hypothetically speaking because I have no suicidal tendencies for the most part...continued later, yet I can't do it being raised in a Christian home because in a way I believe there is a true God. Yet I've had 2 relationships end in ruin because I've had no desire to ever work in life because everything was given to me, my intelligence is there, yet I have stopped using it because I have no care. I just recently got kicked out of my last relationship last week...problem with this...my daughter will be 2 on June 11th. I changed her diapers, made her food, took care of the house by doing the cleaning, washing clothes, anything. I made the bed every morning, my sex life was fine, but I wasn't working. My girlfriend herself didn't make good money and we were in a government home. So I was a worthless person for not helping her out. I wanted to and tried. My decisions haunt me and I have always tried to change them. I have received my GED, I only worked once during our relationship and due to an insane situation I lost it. I worked with 2 other guys, the wanted to change jobs one day we were working and met another company doing something that would help us make even more money. My grandfather was dealing with a cancerous cyst in his throat, and was undergoing surgery after a seizure the year before. I wanted to go to the hospital. So we were all allowed because we were carpooling and they didn't have anywhere home because of how far of a travel it was. My grandfather recovered then eventually passed away. But I was called a liar when I wanted to keep my job by the owner, and was fired. Never missed a day because the work week ended that day anyway an was ready to go back the next monday when the week started. Thus, I once again became frustrated. Months passed and I never found another job. I filled out applications everywhere but from being babied as a child I had no job opportunities to build a resume, thus also giving me no responsibility qualities. I put in hundreds of resumes over the past few months to try to build an income for my family. But I could not do it. I fall in love with all who enter my life and we start a relationship with. For whatever reason theirs or my own, I always end up losing them. I now only see my daughter once in a while, and partially because of how she is. But my own decisions once again don't allow me to go for custody and win because I am worthless as of now with no stability for my child. And I have so much love after 4 years because of how dedicated I am that it takes me half or the same amount of years to recover.
And even though I created my daughter and she did not ask for me to do that to her. Knowing she deserves me and only the best. I now have no will. Because of how depressed I've become. My ex told me that I did not love them...Is that true? Is that why when I think about leaving I feel almost nothing but yet cry because of my daughter. I resort to other things to forget reality, and have no desire to interact with other humans because I trust none. I do not want my walls knocked down, and personally I don't think I care. Yet, I do. I care enough because I know that it's the right thing but yet wont. I had everything I could ever want so my life is not that bad at all. I believe in living, yet living alone. When I was with her I suffered from agoraphobia, most of my life. I received medicine for this but have never really coped. Especially after I lost my schooling, my friends that were what most call preps/richies/whatever and didn't care who I had to step on to get to where I wanted. Millions, houses, the typical american dream. When I lost soccer I really stopped caring for jobs and school, for life in general. I ruined my relationship because of my depression then and was on medicine. Why can I not recover or ever cope. I want to know because I am going to see my daughter again but think about just running away from all of my family and baby girl. I have the option to get out of the state by having someone drive me to a friends house hundreds of miles away, and try to start anew. Again though, my daughter is a lot of my heart because of how much I was around, I was everything but a working father, I was the state at home dad and did what most women did in the past. I couldn't have been happier. I tried like I said. I lost it though. She is younger, just turned 21, and I think she wanted to get out so she could just party, and get some new dick in her life. I believe she was faithful though but couldn't do it any longer because she and I were thinking about getting married this year when I had enough money and a good job, basic stability. Did she want to just run away cause she was scared? Am I some huge horrible person who really didn't love his family? Do I really not love my daughter because I think about disappearing but yet cry, and still don't want to get a job? Now at least because I lost my love, but know my daughter should be number one? I suffer from agoraphobia and medicine doesn't help it, so I want nothing to do with humanity? How do I get over this so I can give my daughter what she really deserves? Love with my ex again or not. Because I believe anyone who has sex with another person even if you break up and you have a chance of going back, or they will want you back in the end I wont. So what do I do? Thank you all