Throughout elementary school and some of middle school, I had constant behavioral and emotional problems. I would often get angry at peers and teachers, and I would often place my head on my desk or throw and kick random stuff. Of course, I was always sent to the office for special ed kids where I was often told that my mom would be getting a phone call about my behavior. I'm sure there were whole weeks where I was just in trouble. I was grounded for at least half of my sixth grade year.
In sixth grade, I was eventually diagnosed with ADHD, and I took at least two medications, which gave me some improvement. The ADHD symptoms eventually wore off. Then I eventually get into high school. There, my social skills were mediocre...on a good day. I had a few acquaintances and a few people I would consider friends, but I never hung out with them after school. I was very much a loner, an introvert, and that one guy who some people thought was gonna shoot up the school.
I never got a girlfriend, even though I'm sure there were a few that liked me. Any girls that did like me probably just stopped liking me because I never had the balls to go up and talk to them. Speaking of talking, my speech skills kinda blow. I had speech sessions in elementary school up until sixth grade, I believe. Despite that, I still have difficulty talking. I often have trouble spitting out what I want to say and I'll sometimes briefly stall in the middle of a sentence.
In addition, I went through a time where I thought everyone was staring at me with unfavorable facial expressions. I was often told that I was paranoid and egotistical. I could have sworn people were always staring with dirty looks. Now, I don't usually notice anything. What the fuck? Was I going crazy? My mom said it was because of raging teenage hormones. She is probably right, but you don't know how it felt to be disliked for no apparent reason. I think that phase lasted a couple years at least.
I managed to graduate high school and I'm now taking online classes for community college. I failed one course last semester and it's now permanently on my transcript; that's just fucking great. Online courses really aren't for me, and I have to wait till next semester to take classes on campus. Online courses require too much discipline. I think school in general is now just a conformity tool (in high school) and a debt trap (in college). At least 90% of what I've "learned" in school is probably forgotten. Thirteen years of wasted life, and everyone in America has that thanks to public schooling. I could learn more looking up information online rather than reading a textbook and memorizing for a quiz or an exam. Now I'm wasting more life in college to supposedly become a psychologist. I have to transfer to a four-year college after this. Then you have to get the job. You have to have a good resume and good interviewing skills, things I'll never have.
Speaking of jobs, I think working for a living should be replaced with something else. Honestly, how many people like to fucking work? As that what life is now? Work to live so I can die later? This is bullshit. I guess you can call me lazy since I have $5,000 in cavities that my mom says I have to pay back to her. Every other day she reminds me of that damn $5,000 bill. She recently bought a new bedroom set for herself and told her I was a little jealous in a little bit of a joking manner. She then said, "Momma works. When Devin (my name, which now makes the title of this story useless) works, he won't have to be jealous. But then Devin has to pay for his teeth first". Fuck that. I applied for a job at Target but didn't get it. No surprise there. She's soon gonna have me apply for more jobs.
Assuming I were to become a psychologist, you have to work until you're 65. I'm sure Social Security might be fucked in the future, so my generation will just end up working until we all die!
As much as we have all these cool technologies today, work sucks. People work to live and then they die. Before going to work, they get placed into public schools, which often feel prison-like. Many struggle with the work while getting ostracized by their craptastic peers.
I don't want anything to do with this life. If reincarnation is real, I hope I'm reborn a cat or a dog or something. Their lives are stress-free compared to that of a human. Why the fuck did I have to be born human? Out of all the other animals I could have been born as, I had to be born fucking human. Humans made life so much more fucking stressful and complicated than it had to be. Fuck this life.
I almost died at birth. My mom had a miscarriage before having me. Why couldn't have I been that miscarriage? My mom did not even feel attracted to my biological father. Why would she fuck him a second time then?!
FUCK!
| |
You have reached college, and itīs a feat that not a lot of people do. There are many people with ADHD that do not progress even with psychological and pharmaceutical treatment and there are thousand out there that do not know their own condition.
About your momīs comments on the job issue, donīt pay attention to her that much, all of us, in one time or the other have heard those comments from our parents. And some do not receive the benefits of dental care that sums up to 5,000.
There is no greater weapon than that of willpower. Learn from all the social and emotional experiences you have had before, what whas wrong? How can you change it? Social skills are only improved by the trial/error experimentation. Sure you have learned, and about college, try to find something that you like, people that work in what they like consider it almost a hobby and have succesful profesional lives. And if you ultimately decide on psychology, then I hope the career itself may provide for the many answers your mind seeks.
Keep walking on!!
New Comment