LIFE SUCKS

Pathetic

I don't remember a time I was happy for any significant length of time. It seems as though every time I get my head above the water, another brick is added and I slowly begin to sink once again. The sad part is that my problems are not that bad in comparison. My childhood was okay my parents rarely used physical punishment, but my mother excelled at verbal abuse, bitch, whore, slut, I wish you would die, I should've had an abortion instead of having you.......... were thrown at me on a daily basis. The words that will probably follow me through my whole life: I was raped when I was 16, her reaction was to scream over and over how could you be so fucking stupid. Those words were only the beginning of Humiliations after being raped. I have made myself the victim because I can not move away from my past and i hate myself for being so weak. Oddly, I have a descent marriage, the problems are minor, numerous deployments and a porn addiction(which does wonders for my self worth.) I guess that I have decided to live with the flaws and have no right to complain. I am filled with guilt over my best friends suicide, did I miss signs, if I had defined situations in a different way would she be here..... When in public around others, I often wonder about those that seem happy are they really happy or is the smile a mask that they wear? My problems are minor and yet I am too stupid to figure out how to overcome. I just exsist and can do nothing more. I am neither alive nor dead just void.