LIFE SUCKS

my life's story

Hi i'm not using my real name because i don't want people to know.
i am 15 turning 16 in 3 day's and i wanna tell someone my life's story,
for now i'll start from the beginning, when i was 3 my dad died, of course i never knew him but heard stories, he was an alcoholic and a gambler, he often took all my moms money to gamble and drink leaving my mom too go to a food bank for me and brother. my mom soon left him and he died not to soon after, my mom was heart broken for a long time and one day she started to date a man named greg, he was nice and all then my mom got married to him that's when it started, he was strict and had rules like if we didn't wear socks in the house we'd get grounded for a month, if we were home late we'd get a spanking( the school was 20 minutes away, we walked and we were only kids) and if we didn't we'd be ground for a month plus spankings and if we watched t.v before he got home we'd be grounded again and when he grounded us he took everything from our rooms leaving furniture and clothes that's all and he came home at 6 pm, we got off at 3 and got home at 3:30,
what were we supposed to do??of course my mom never knew until we told our grandma when we went to visit her in edmonton for summer (we lived in calgary at the time)and she told our mom. My mom decided to leave him and move to edmonton with the help of our grandparents.My brother started acting out when i was in grade 4( he is 2 years older), his grades were always bad and he stole from teachers before but once he started hanging out with jodi he changed, he would beat up other kids, threw rocks at others vehicles in the condominium and slashed up our leather couch of course our my mom tried to punish him by spanking him but she got more hurt than he did and decided it wasn't worth it anymore, after my brother got us kicked out our grandma helped us move again to another condo of course this is when it got bad, really bad. we had just moved my brother was in this gangster fase i guess but he still went to school and was nice it started when i was in grade 7, the first thing he started doing was drugs and was just starting to skip every now and then, my mom never really thought anything of it plus she got him to go with the help of our grandpa, but once he was in grade 8-9 he started skipping a lot so much so the schools education board got involved and he had to go to court several times for it, he'd beat kids up, and he even slashed up a couch inside the school office with an xacto knife or what ever, of course my mom tried everything to get him to go, her last resort was bribing hi but he still didn't go and while i was going i got mad because he got stuff and didn't go but i went and got nothing why? am i bad? did i do something? those were the questions in my head at the time so i started to skip and while i did that they still ignored me, so i cut myself and she didn't seem to care, but when i started to lose friends i started to kinda go once in awhile but my brother stole my friends, how you may ask, because he was i guess "hot" and they'd date him but he didn't want his girlfriend to be friends with his little sister so he told them "either date me or be friends with my sister" and they chose him which hurt a lot so much so i didn't even wanna go to school anymore once he did that to me 30 times. the first thing that went through my mind was if they think our friendship is this stupid i don't even want friends anymore. at home he was even worse he would make a mess and not clean it up, make food but not eat it, invite tons of people over let them eat our food, he stole things for my mom and i like smokes, makeup( he's emo now) , clothes and money so we would sleep with our bags that had everything in it. we tried to stop him by putting locks on our doors but that didn't last long in fact i had mine for 4 days before he gouged a huge hole to pry out the door handle, i didn't have a door handle for 3 years cause he did that, of course it still got worse the mess was so bad we couldn't do anything the floors were dirty, dishes everywhere .. ext and once we even got our power turned off cause we couldn't afford it so we would use plastic plates and utensils but he would use them all up so i had to start packing food, clothes, makeup, toothbrush, plastic plates, cups, utensils, money, deodorant.. pretty much my entire life with me everywhere i slept in my moms room because i was scared of random people coming in my room when i was sleeping (which has happened before) soo i soon just spent everyday like that cooped up in my moms room with the door blocked so no one could get in i quit going to school gave up on friends and even going outside all i had were my pets and he even ruined that for me because he started abusing my animals and he even put 13 huge holes in his bedroom walls for no reason with a crowbar, one time i had a friend over she brought her 2 kittens and we went out to get something to drink( cause we had no food or drinks most the time cause he'd eat everything literally sometimes i'd get so hungry and not have money so id eat dry bread) and when we got back him and his friends locked us out my mom wasn't gonna be home for awhile so we sat waiting but no they started throwing rotten food at us forcing us to leave this was in winter and he did have jackets we ended up waiting an hour before we got to cold and walked to a 7'11 and borrowed their phone and she called her mom and we went to her house but its not over they started phoning us there and telling us they were going to hurt the kittens by microwaving them or dropping them form the second story, so we had to go back lucky my mom was there but when i got to my room all my clothes were ripped up my carpet was burnt all my posters or anything flammable was burned and he even peed on my bed and in my night stand i had no clothes for a week till my moms boyfriend got me some since my mom didn't have the money, it was so nice having new clean clothes since my brother thought cleaning out his room( basement joined with a laundry room) was to throw away all our clothes of course by now my mom has tried everything she had him on Prozac ( happy pills) but he sold them and took to many so we stopped ,that year i started taking Prozac because i never left my moms room unless i had to, of course my grandma was no help because she likes boys/males better one time for my birthday she got me a walmart gift basket and got my brother and electric guitar, 200$ phone and amps right in front of me how was i supposed to feel?? grateful well i wasn't it hurt to know she cared more about him then me. soon my brother was court ordered to live with my grandparents(cant remember why) and he started to go to school and i also tried going back to school, i got put in the safe place classroom( for kids who are not ready for school yet and need one on one attention) and it got good our house was clean, we had food, our pets were ok and safe. soon i was having chest pain and got taken to the doctors i was diagnosed with scoliosis after an x-ray, my back constantly hurts so i have to take back pain pills and i feel ugly, my back is crooked and hideous who would want me now? that's wasn't the end i started having stomach problems i would go to school and everyday around 9 i would puke over and over again and be sent home i went to the doctor to see what was wrong, but he found nothing and gave me stomach pills to help, which didn't i ended up skipping again not only cause that because my brother moved back in with us because they kicked him out for stealing money, booze.. ext. we went back to our old life but my mom got him court ordered to have him evaluated at the hospital(one time we looked up his symptoms and we believed he had conduce disorder) but when the police came to get him they saw the mess and told us i'd be taken away CAUSE HIS MESS and he wouldn't because he was 16 and considered an adult .. that's also the reason they decided not to evaluate him and the school eventually gave up on him and sent me to homeschooling cause they couldn't deal with me anymore. and one day he drew the last straw, my mom was still going out with jay and that night she was as well, she dropped me off at home after getting me food and walked in with jay and there were 13 teens in our house jay sent them away and they went to his house, soon after my brother brought them back, my mom phoned to check up on me and my brother lied saying he only had 3 people over, once he hung up i told him if she phoned again i'd tell her about all the people and he got mad saying whats wrong with a little fun and we got into a heated argument at last he threatened me saying he'd call social services on me and have me taken away i told mom and she got upset and we eventually kicked him out and moved out and into jays house, which isn't bad but i'm still home schooled, i hate myself so im on Prozac which isn't helping, i'm a shut in case spend all day everyday inside my room, i dot trust people, and i'm paranoid about everything, i feel useless and scared i might be kicked out next and when ever i think of my future i break down and cry and i'm not gonna lie there have been several times i wanted to end my life but i'm even to pathetic to do that ... these are just part of my life