I am 30 year old Female. I am divorced. I live at home with my parents who don't talk to eachother and not me. I have no real job. I am suicidal every morning. I have thoughts in my head that tell me that I am not good enough, smart enough, and not nice enough for anyone to love. I have exhausted all of my friends time and can't seem to move forward.
I speak with a lot of I's.
I hate that. | |
Islam teaches about acceptance and doing good.
We don't all go on a hajj, regardless of if we do, we are still muslims.
We are born muslim, we don't choose it. Those who identify separately from islam are still muslims.
The Holy Al'Quran teaches us this.
Two years ago, I hooked back up with my old high school girlfriend. She was always the proverbial "one who got away" if you know what I mean. Well, she wound up blowing some guy in a department store parking lot in the middle of the afternoon while she was out shopping! Yup, that's my luck.....and my life. I'm utterly alone, and I keep a loaded .45 in my nightstand for when I'm finally ready to end this miserable life.
What's your e-mail? Maybe we can chat.
So I reached out to a guy for the very first time. He turned out to be a selfish opportunist who only used me for sex .. but! That rocky experience eventually led me to being with my current amazing boyfriend who treats me like I am his goddess.
My point being, I know where you are. I know all too well. I was severely depressed. Thoughts of suicide were as common in my daily life as trying to decide what to eat for lunch. I had no purpose, no reason to be here. Nothing to wake up for. I had no friends to turn to. All I could think of was methods that would remove me from this pain.
I hung in there (excuse the pun). I pushed through it. I stepped up to the plate and took risks that absolutely terrified me (being isolated for so many years, I had no idea how to reach out and make friends .. I still don't, to be honest).
Life is still difficult. I still have suicidal thoughts sometimes, when life gets too hard to cope with in the moment.
But it is just that. It's a moment. I had a very long moment .. 30 years long filled with hopelessness that I cannot even think of words to describe but I am sure you know the feeling.
Trust me, goshdarnit, if I can be the one to step up and pull my mom out of a dangerous marriage, if I can reach out to a total stranger for comfort after being isolated for 30 years never having one single guy tell me that he wanted me, if I can find my way to a place where I am adored for who I am by a guy who I honestly believed I would never come across ..
You, too, can make your life better.
My heart aches for you because I know it is difficult. Fighting through the thoughts of depression and just wanting to end it all was the most painful battle I have ever endured. But you can do it, too. You just have to find a belief within yourself that you still have hope and the drive to take those first steps at changing your life.
I am sorry this was so long. I just feel for you so much because what you are coping with right now can be overcome. If I can find my way to a better place I have faith that you can, too. *hug*
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