Somehow I find myself on this part of the internet. Might as well tell you about myself and where I am right now.
I'm 29 and had my first psychotic break at 22. My early years at uni found myself becoming increasingly withdrawn and smoking too much weed. I used to have lots of 'friends' and was a fairly social person. My problems are mostly self inflicted, but alas I find myself at odds with the world. I'm currently employed, living in a city which isn't my own. I moved here for work 8 months ago, knowing one person down here, though I fell out with him after sharing a house for 3 months. Knew the guy for many years, but can't say i'm sorry i fell out with him, only that he works in the same place as me which is far from ideal!
Thing is, since my psy break at 22 I've become somewhat of a nihilist. Life is an illusion and although my heart might find have some love/empathy its often over ridden by my mind, which says "no, their just fucking with you". If I believed for a minute that people weren't 'just fucking with me' I might truly care about the suffering of others and not think too badly about my own situation. As it is I find very little worth doing, feel empty inside and mostly just want to off myself.
Ok, so I'm not happy where I am, I've met a wonderful girl, who in some ways understands me. I feel good with her, lucky to have her and am sure she's too good for me. To be with her means moving to Germany and trying to find a job there. So it feels like I'm left with 3 options right now.
1. Stay where I am, in a job thats ok, in a place that I have no connection with. Stay here? Thats not happening.
2. Move over to Germany. Begin a new adventure with a girl who I truly like, possibly even love, but only to be disappointed that its not working out and jaded that she's just an other corner of the 'illusion'.
3. Or just bite the bullet and bite the bullet, cause lets face it: theres really not much point in going on like this, theres very little thats true or real in my world. My jaded, mixed up view of the world can only serve to make me a lonely bitter person, with the view of what could have been and the notion of true happiness a distant wonder in the rear view mirror.
If you've got any suggestions would be most appreciated. Its not that my actual life is shit, so much as that my view of life and surroundings is shit. I can easily spend half my waking hour thinking about the whens and hows of my demise. Oh yeah, and I just lost my motorcycle licence, so I guess the chances of a 'glorious accident' are now cut significantly. Do I need to get a little proactive? :s | |
What the fuck do you care if you have a license or not if you're gonna have a "glorious accident"??? I mean really, are ya gonna show for your court date? NO...you'll be taking the dirt nap your so richly deserve!
People like you make me fucking sick. You have it easy in life, meandering here and there, whining about life when you've had twice the opportunity that everyone else has, and every one of you, and I mean EVERY one of you always claims to have had some psychological breakdown.
Well let me tell ya, I'd like to give you a facial breakdown. I'd beat your face into a blood pulp while holding a sleeve of nickels, then while you were laying there crying like the little girl you are, i'd open the sleeve of nickels and pour them all into pants. Then I'd go behind johnny quik, kick all the bums awake, and let them know there was 1 dollars worth of nickels in that guys pants who's rolling around on the sidewalk over there.
I think you should move to Germany, where when you get there, the pictures of her on meetupwithmyprincess.com won't really match up with the 3 eyed troglodyte you moved to germany for. You''l have to make ends meet doing shit videos for 3 euros an hour and selling cast off promotional size candy bars, which will all be the ones we throw away after halloween.
I really hate the fuckers who give out Mounds at halloween. Did you ever think that maybe you could just get the variety pack and then maybe, just MAYBE we might have a chance at getting a reeses or something instead of a mounds? WHO THE FUCK ever conceived that anyone wants a sloppy pile of coconut covered with fake choclate??? I'd rather have an apple with razors in it, or those stupid fucking popcorn balls the cheap ass freaks around the corner make every year.
Anyway, Heil Hitler, and fuck you very much!
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