Basically my whole life has been one long waste of time and resources that could have been better dedicated. My sucky story began 22 years ago, at less than a year old my parents got divorced, rumors put the blame on my dad beating my mom and she fled for her life giving full custody to my dad. He remarried, and stayed married to another woman till I was about 10-11, during that time she abused, and beat me often and threatened to kill me if I ever told anyone. From the time i was 6-9 she convinced a doctor I was mentally troubled and put me on several medications which assured compliant behavior from me at the cost of making me suicidally depressed. I'm fairly certain my dad either knew about the abuse, or at least suspected, however he did not divorce her until he found out that she was cheating on him.
After he divorced her we had to move to another town where there was no school, which meant I had to be home-schooled. While my father bought me some of the school supplies to finish the third grade, after that I had no formal education. I have an IQ of 136, so thanks to educational tv programing, and a few highschool text books we found at various yard sales and whatnot, I was able to teach myself many of life's basic things, and became fairly intelligent, however I never was able to teach myself math very well, so it has always been my weakest subject.
Growing up I would at times suffer the wrath of my father who had extreme mood swings, he would slap me around, threaten me, mentally abuse me calling stupid, worthless, telling me I would never be anything. He even ended up breaking my leg once when he threw me across a room. I often thought about trying to get help, but the problem was my father was normally a kind man who would usually sincerely regret what he had done, so I didnt want to get him in trouble.
Between the issues with my father, and not having any friends I was very depressed, and had low self-esteem, I spent my tween years eating, and watching tv, so I got pretty fat which made me more depressed. I was disgusted by my body, and hated my cowardice, I knew I would never be able to get a girlfriend which made me more depressed. I became suicidally depressed at the age of 15, and never told anyone, whenever I was around family, or other company I would act like I was okay, and happy but I dont think a day has gone by that I dont think about killing myself.
Because of where I live I never was able to make friends, so except for some family members that lived fairly nearby I was always alone. When I was 16 I decided I wanted to be a detective because I wanted to help people and make a difference in the world, so i started learning police proceedure and other things.
When I was 17 my dad met a new woman who really changed him, and he is almost never abusive since,(it may also have been because i got bigger than him too.) She is a nice woman who told my dad I needed to get a GED so i could go to college and get a good career, so he bought me the materials I needed to teach myself to pass the GED when I was 18.
Since than I've been in community college and switched my major 3 times. I earned one degree, an AA, and was going for another in a law subject because I had been planing to be a detective.
A month before I turned 22 I was in a car accident that took away all function my left arm, and destroyed my life. Now I have who knows how many tens of thousands of dollars in bills, I have no car, I can never be a police officer, I was a classical guitarist, ( a pretty decent one too), but thats gone now. My arm is constantly painful, and i mean painful. I stayed away from drugs my entire life, even though that meant staying away from the few people who were my age that I could have been friends with. Everything I ever worked for is gone, I lived my entire life carefully so I would never suffer a horrible injury like the one I have now, which made my life painfully boring.
I feel like I have nothing to live for, I want to crawl in a hole and die. My arm, and other parts of my body are disfigured, and I am over wieght so I am to afraid to try and get a girlfriend, which I have never had in the first place. I have no future, .
So to summarise my story. I'm 22, I'm a virgin, never kissed a girl, I have no skills, I live in pain constantly now, I have one working arm, a lot of bills, no money, no car, I live far away from any city where there are no jobs available anyways. I have no friends, I live with my father who is supporting me for now, but can not afford to do it for much longer, oh yeah and I want to die.
And that's how my life sucks. | |
think about any other fields you would want to get into. and you do have an AA which is better than nothing. you could try to get just some job to pass the time and make $$$. an office job. anything to get you out of your rut and make you feel better. about losing the weight, just get out and go for a walk. join some exercise group on meetup.com. we are a fat country and there are lots of people that are overweight. try to meet people and make friends who are going through the same thing as you. all is not hopeless. you can turn this all around. it's all in your thinking. sure one of your arms is not working but you have your other arm. you have your legs and are not in a wheelchair. you are not blind. it's not that bad. good luck.
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