I've always been plagued by feelings of ugliness and inferiority. I'd like to think I'm doing a lot better than I have in the past, but I still feel so fed up with myself sometimes. I'm currently locked in school again, finishing up the last year in college with classes that I usually can't stand. I'm almost 23, I've never been in a relationship, I still don't know what it feels like to love another human being. People always ask why I'm single because I'm smart, have somewhat a personality, and I'm a good looking guy, but I don't know why I'm alone. Being gay limits the dating market significantly, and it's not as if you can go about your daily life admiring guys that you like openly because they are probably straight. I recently told my longtime crush how I feel and we both decided that any type of relationship would go nowhere. So now I'm back where I started, with no one that I care about. I'm tired of seeing other people happy. I want to destroy what they have and watch them suffer. I'm starting to fantasize murdering people again, watching the life drain from their eyes as I relish the fact that I ruined so many lives. I've always had this slight hatred toward collective society and think that if I could reduce it down to a something physical, like a stack of paper, I'd light it on fire and smile as it burned to the ground. I know these are not the feeling I can have if I really don't want to be alone, but I'm so fucking tired of waiting for something nice to come along so I can be happy. I just want to feel the touch of a man that I love, not some random hookup that nags me for not calling the next weekend. I've worked hard to get to where I am today, but it seems God insists that I keep bleeding before I can really start living my life. I don't want to hear "hang in there buddy, it will get better." You don't know how it feels to be me, none of you do, because if I were really apart of rest of humanity, someone would have found me by now. If satan found me tomorrow and presented a button to destroy the world, I'd press it without thinking twice. And I'd tell every ghost that asked me in outrage why I did it: "You have no one to blame but yourself for what I did. Humanity was a waste of time and space because I existed so long and still didn't feel apart of my own species, what did you do to stop me?" | |
-anonymous
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