LIFE SUCKS

trying to hold on

So I used to be a happy kid. Up to age 10, I used to be a pretty up beat kid, regardless of being made of fun and even overlooking that was repeatedly hit from the age of 5 to 13. But around the age of 10 or 11 I started getting sad and not as resilient. I used to be able to bounce back from bad situations at home or school, but it got harder and now that I'm 21, I realized that it's been getting harder everyday since I was 11. The verbal abuse, being put down, never being able to voice my opinion. The depression has only gotten worse, even with meds and psychotherapy. I eat to cope with the lack of support, to fill the void from not having help from my own family. For about half of my life I've been depressed and numb to life. I've become so unhappy that it's almost not worth it, I'm almost not worth it. I fucked up in school. I was in one of the top state schools and finally out of the house, hoping being away from home would help. It only made it worse since i started to drink and do drugs. I had to be given academic suspension and live at home now and commute to school. Countless times I've considered suicide, but no matter how much I wanted to stop my own suffering, I still couldn't hurt my family like that. I'm trying so hard to not turn back to alcohol and drugs, but I'm slowly going back to old habits of not going to class and wanting more and more to fill my glass with liquor to ease the pain. It feels like the only way to numb the pain. I can't do it anymore, I swear I'll die faster from holding all of this in than having a chance to talk it out. Because if no one's around to hear me talk, than it's like it never happened.